Emotions

I am struggling with emotions this morning.  Some sad things happened yesterday, so this is a normal reaction at least.  The thing is that for so long I brushed aside and buried all emotions and didn't feel them.  I am finding it difficult to feel this strong emotion and to know what to do with it.  All a learning process, but this is certainly a hard part of the journey.

Problem Solving

One of the effects of depression is to impair your ability to problem solve.  Often for me this ended up looking like I was creating drama in my life, or sometimes severe anxiety about things that are, or were, for the most part minor.  It also was a lot of reactions to situations that were way out of proportion with what was actually going on.  It means that so often you feel like the rational part of your brain has no place in dealing with things, and you can't reason yourself out of anything.  While I was in the midst of it I didn't really recognize that anything was wrong, and yet I wondered why everything seemed so hard and so dramatic.  I guess I have my explanation.  Depression makes life hard, it makes it seem impossible to get out of the current situation, whatever that is.

It is nice now to see myself reacting to situations in proportion to what is happening.  I can see that my rational brain is working and I have pretty much no anxiety - except when it is called for and then I would call it being nervous, not massive anxiety.  Amazing that life can be so easy, that most problems require little or no energy to solve.  I am in awe still at how this works and so glad to be able to experience it.  Funny what we think is "normal" when we don't know any better.

Another sad story about a public figure

This is one of the stories written about Rick Rypien, an NHL hockey player (thank David for sharing).  It made me cry when I read it because I can totally relate.  I can't emphasize enough the importance of talking about mental illness.  It is so isolating, especially during those times when you don't know how to start the conversation.  If others are willing to share with you what is going on with them, check in with them once in awhile.  Just because they stop talking, doesn't mean everything is ok.  The conversations are hard for everyone, but you just never know what good you might be doing.  This illness doesn't just affect those who have it, but it has an impact on everyone who cares about them.  I sincerely hope that the willingness of those who cared about Rypien to talk will help others.  Let's keep talking.

http://www.theprovince.com/health/Rypien+legacy+help+those+struggling+with+depression/5291187/story.html

Stressors

This last week at work for me was very much ramped up.  Very intense, long hours, lots of work.  While I found it tiring I didn't find it particularly stressful.  It got me thinking about stressors in our lives.  I think of other times in my life where things often felt stressful to me and so why then and why not this past week when you might have expected that.  To me when the interpersonal stuff is hard, that is much harder for me. When I feel weak, or threatened, or disrespected, that is hard.  When the parameters, expectations and environment are unpredictable, that is stressful.  This past week was fine for many reasons.  The group I was working with was great, the expectations were clear from the outset and didn't really change during the week and we all worked together, covered each others backs etc...  I guess the point is that different things are challenging for different people, for me it is good to learn what makes things harder for me.

Search for me

You probably won't even look for me.
You haven't any idea that I need to be found.
Other people don't know either.
I am buried so deep that you can't even imagine me.
There is so much pushing down on me that it makes it hard for me.
No one knows I am here, no one remembers me.

I will make my presence known somehow.
I will make it so you want to look for me.
I will make you so very uncomfortable with the fake you.
I will make it so hard for you that looking for me is the only way.
For, I am you.  The real you.
The you you have forgotten.
The you you started pushing down in order to avoid being hurt.
Hurts that you didn't know how to deal with.
The you you ignored in order to fit in.
The you you twisted around so much that I was unrecognizable.
What you didn't know then is pushing me down would hurt you more in the long run.

By pushing me down you were vulnerable to all of the other stuff that has weighed so heavily on me.
By pushing me down you forgot who you are.
By pushing me down you tried to be someone else, but you can't do that forever.

Truth will set you free.
Look for me, find me, honour me, know me.
If you do, I will no longer have to find ways to make you pay attention.
I will no longer make you uncomfortable or sad or angry just because.
We will live together, aware of each other and free.

Telling my story

Since realizing that I am gay things have been interesting.  Often when I meet other gay people the conversation comes down to coming out stories.  I have told mine enough by now that forever mine will also include me telling people that I also deal with depression as the two are so inextricably linked together.  I am sure that it is a root cause of the depression and yet there is so much more as well.

Funny, I started this blog for my own sanity and it really set me up for dealing with coming out.  I had already told a lot of people something really hard for me to say.  And realized in the process that other people's reactions are theirs to manage or deal with.  Really, coming out is the same thing.  It's being true to who I am and letting other people deal with it if they don't like it.

The other side

It occurred to me today that I have no idea about the other side, the side where people who care about me sit by and watch me struggle and hurt and fail and grow and succeed and all things in between.  At so many points I know there wasn't really anything anyone could do to help, I just needed to work it through on my own.  I guess it must be hard and good all at the same time???

And therefore, I will ask all of you to tell me what it is like...

Expectations

Expectations are all around us.  Ones we have of ourselves, ones we think other people have of us, ones other people do have of us.  It's funny how we can let other peoples expectations influence our own decisions.  Sometimes this is good, other times this isn't so good.  For me, I have so often twisted myself into a pretzel to meet other peoples expectations of me, real or perceived.  This, in turn, makes me feel terrible about myself because it relays the message that who I am isn't good enough.

Changing this has been a big shift for me.  I had to start with coming to believe that I too deserve to be myself, to have my needs met, to live my own life.  It means thinking about situations differently. It also means ensuring that my expectations of myself are realistic and true to who I am.  If something isn't working I need to evaluate why, but not try and try and try to make it work, not at the expense of me and my mental health.  It's challenging, but good.  I have seen myself doing this lately in small ways.  It gives me hope that I can continue to do so.

crisis

I went to see my counsellor today and she said to me that I really seem to have moved beyond the crisis mode.  This got me thinking about crises and as anyone who knows me will know, I love a good analogy so here goes...

Depression for me really has been a crisis.  At first the crisis hits and you don't know what is happening.  The world starts moving at a different pace than the one you are used to and everything seems surreal.  Then the immediate crisis is over, but really you live in coping mechanism, staying alive mode.  For me this meant just managing to go to work, to get out of bed everyday, to not yell and scream and cry all the time.

Next in a crisis you slowly start the process of looking at the causes of the crisis.  Why was there so much damage when it hit?  When this is emotional crisis it means being more honest with yourself than you have ever been.  This was so hard and for me required "outside" help.  Doctor, psychologist, medication and support from friends and family.  Ever so slowly I was able to clear away the debris from the crisis and find the causes, see my life from a new perspective, get to the bottom of the mess left behind.

Generally the final step is rebuilding.  This is where I am now.  Often it means looking back at the crisis and the clearing away stages and really internalizing the lessons from those times.  In the end it also means doing things differently, building in a new way to hopefully avoid the damage, or maybe, just maybe, avoid the crisis altogether.

My life is so different in so many ways and for this I am grateful and happy.

Talking it out

I spent the weekend with some friends I haven't seen or talked to much since last summer.  It's funny how talking to them, some anyhow, has really allowed me to see how much things have changed.  I can tell  the story now with a bit of emotional distance.  I don't feel plunged into the depths.  I also can see that every so slowly I am moving from dealing with the depression to finding ways to live my life so that hopefully  I don't crash again.  I can see myself doing things differently, doing things in a way that really takes care of me.  I am starting to ask to  have my needs met, I am telling people what I need them to know without worrying so much about what the reaction will be, I am learning to let other people own their own stuff and not taking it on myself.

And on top of that it was just plain a good weekend...

Success story - sort of

Last night I tore some tendons in my finger playing dodgeball.  Ok, that's clearly not the success story.  The success story comes with how I handled the whole thing.  For so long, everything in my life was hard, everything was a big deal, everything was cause for severe anxiety and finding solutions to problems seemed impossible.  Yesterday I managed to get some first aid, get a ride to the urgent care, and wait for 4.5 hours at urgent care without getting agitated or anxious.  I managed to figure the solutions to how to get my finger cared for and what to do about my car, which I couldn't drive.  It was a challenging situation for me, but not in the same way.  I could handle it, I could manage, I came through the situation with only a banged up finger and not a banged up mood.  That is the success story.

Amazing People

I was out tonight with a couple of ladies and heard their coming out stories.  I was once again grateful for the amazing people I have in my life who have made the whole experience pretty easy for me.  I can imagine how much harder it must be when you need to find a whole new set of friends and you can't rely on your family anymore.  Really for me the decision to come out wasn't a hard one.  I knew that I would be ok and that my friends and family would be around still.

Tools

For quite some time I was afraid to write on here that I am gay and so I wrote about other things.  As you will have noticed I changed my mind.  Accepting this one fact about me is pretty fundamental to my healing process and so it felt like I couldn't really write, couldn't really explore the things I need to explore, so I put it out there.  I hadn't realized how much I had come to rely on writing this blog to help me sort through my life lately.  But I found that I missed it.

There are many tools to dealing with depression, medications, counseling, friends, family etc...  But for me, writing has be critical.  It helps me stop things from going around and around in my head and having  to put some coherency to them.  Writing on a blog that I know others are reading makes me think harder about what I want to say and often lets me find some sort of resolution, or at least a way to move to the next step.
I am glad to have found a tool that is pretty reliable for me.

And so dear readers I thank you.  For reading, for commenting, for letting me know that my journey is worthwhile for me and that in some small way I am helping other people as well.

Being Strong

There are some things in life that are particularly difficult to do.  Telling people that you are dealing with major depression is one.  Telling those same people a few months later that you are gay is harder, at it can be.

I have learned that there are topics in life that are difficult for some people to deal with or to process.  There are many reasons for this, and I won't even start to speculate.  The thing is this put me in a tough place with some people.  When I was telling people these 2 things about me, it was generally because I felt weak and that I needed support.  But with some people it is me that needs to be strong and this is hard for me sometimes as I still have many days when I need to lean on other people and don't feel particularly strong.  I need to be able to explain myself and also to have patience that the people I am telling care about me and will come around.  This has been a challenge for sure.  I value my relationships though and want to wait it out and see if we can't come to an understanding and move on.  I truly hope this will happen.  I want people to accept me for who I am and I need to give the same respect to the people in my life.  This means accepting who they are and what they believe to be true.  And if that means I need to be the strong one for awhile then I will find ways to do it.

Stories and Pain

The other night I heard the stories of a couple of people I know.  They were difficult stories to hear and obviously difficult times for these people.  In a lot of ways what happened to them was worse than things that have happened to me.  Sometimes when I hear these things I feel bad for how messed up I have been when things could have been so much worse.

But on some level I know that this comparison is pointless.  The things that caused/cause me pain are unique to me.  There will always be people worse off and better off than me, but that doesn't lessen my experience in any way.  By paying attention to how I feel, and not putting judgement on it by comparing to what might have been, I am better able to connect to who I am really am.  This also allows me to feel my feelings, deal with them, and move on.  When I do this I am also better able to appreciate the good things in my life.