Relief

Funny how I don't always realize how much things are bugging me until they are no longer bugging me.  This is often true for me, but it really hit home today.  I found a lump in my breast recently, and it was/is extremely painful. I tried really hard to pretend like everything would be fine and that I wasn't worried about it, but I was.

Today I saw my doctor and he was pretty convinced it is a cyst and nothng to worry about. I will go for some tests next week just to be sure. Once he told me that though, I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders. I knew I was worried about it, but I didn't know how much until I didn't have to worry anymore.

Funny, as I write this I wonder if it is a subject that will make some people uncomfortable...the talk of breasts. Then I realize that this whole blog is about a topic that might make people uncomfortable. So many people don't want to talk about mental health...or breasts. And so I share in an effort to change those things.

Why

Why do I feel so crabby?
Why do I feel so tired?
Where did the energy go?
Why don't I sing in the kitchen anymore?
Why do I only take time to play with my nephews?
Why don't I have a tea party with my dolls?
Why don't I race cars around my living room?
Why don't I draw and paint and colour with abandon?
Why don't I dance and twirl around?
Why do I always feel so serious?
Why do I feel like I need to be grown up all the time?
Why did I lose my sense of creativity?
Why did I lose the spark?

Small things

Recently I have done a couple of things that show me that all the work I have been doing is paying off. Really they are pretty small things, but not for me.

A couple of times recently in meetings with my boss she said something that didn't sit quite right with me. Both times, a few days later, I asked her about them. I know my boss to be a forthright person and these 2 times proved the same. For me, asking her to explain the things she said was no small feat.

In the past I would have ignored the feelings that bothered me and then got angry because I felt them. This anger likely would have been directed at me and at my boss. Eventually with enough of these moments I would blow up. I know, it happened a couple of times. Add some undiagnosed depression in and it was a bad situation. Especially since excessive anger and inability to problem solve are 2 symptoms of depression.

I certainly didn't believe that I had a right to ask for an explanation or to express my concerns. I figured that other people always knew better. Also, after blowing up at someone, it is hard, actually pretty much impossible, to go back to the source of the problem rather than focus on the poor behaviour.

And so, I am happy to report that I talked to my boss. I felt like I had every right to ask her about the things she said. I was able to be curious about those things, rather than angry. There will not be a blow up as I am no longer concerned. I have an explanation and I have voiced my concerns. Our working relationship is exactly what it was before I asked, maybe better because we understand each other a bit better now. I know now that I can handle things this way, and for that I am glad.

Opinions

It was my birthday earlier this week and I turned 40. This may seem young or old to you. What I did discover though is that most people have an opinion about this birthday. This seems to be the case for other things in my life also. Mental illness and homosexuality are the two main ones.

I didn't set out to be an advocate for anything. But, often enough I find myself in discussions about these 2 things. It's ok, but also tiring. I care so much, and it is so personal. It can take its toll on my emotional state.

I often wonder if the people with the opinions remember that there are real people involved? That for the most part these real people are trying to live their live the best they can, just like everyone else.

What matters

I've been thinking a lot lately about what really matters to me. This comes a lot from some things at work that are making me evaluate what I want. (As an aside, nothing particularly bad at work, just those kinds of things that make you think).

I was really sick for quite some time. I had a really hard time coping with a lot of my life. The last 3.5 years most of my energy has gone to working on getting better, and finding a way to live better with depression. I still find I need to pay attention to this, but it doesn't consume all of my energy anymore.

So now, what so I want to do, how do I want to live my life, where do I want to put my energy? A lot of people I have been around in my professional life value a career very highly. I certainly work in a field where this is possible. Easy to value the next promotion, the next big project, the recognition etc... There is certainly an appeal to this. But, I have to say it isn't what I want.

I want to live. I want to have energy to experience all of my life, not just my professional life. For so long I felt like I was only existing and not really actively participating in my life. I want to feel alive. I want to experience my world. I want to be able to do the things that make me happy. I want to have adventures. I don't want to get older and say "if only". And so, knowing all this helps me put my career in a certain place on my priority list.

My current job enables a lot of the other things in my life that are important to me. When it is time to look at a change, it is good to know what I want from a job... and what I don't want. I am still figuring a lot of this out. I have made a start.

A sign of the times

I was at a first aid course the last two days. 2 days of talking about illness and injury and life-threatening situations. In the 2 days, there were exactly 2 mentions of mental illness, and ONLY because the instructor really like tangents. He once mentioned anorexia and once a drug overdose as a suicide attempt. And yet he spent an inordinate amount of time explaining how diabetes works.

It got me thinking about how we look at mental illness in our world. It seems to me that a first aid course would be a good place to have at least some discussion about mental illness as the effects can easily be life-threatening. No talk of what to do if you find someone who is talking about or threatening suicide or self- harm. These are important things and easily things first aiders might have to deal with. I know because I called 911 and watched others restraining someone who was trying to jump off a bridge. I know know mental illness is complicated, but I really believe a basic understanding is important for first aiders.

So, what does this say about how, as a society, we see mental illness? For me it says a few things. We see mental illness as different from physical illness. We also see mental illness as something we don't want to talk about. Only people affected by mental illness need to know about it. But, we are all affected I some way.

I don't know if mental illness will ever be covered in first aid courses. But I did make the suggestion.

The cost

I filled my prescription for another 3.5 months of anti-depressants today. I forget everytime how expensive they are. It really makes me wonder how people without extended health benefits do it. I only pay a small part of the cost and that seems like a lot to me. Don't get me wrong, the benefit of them os more than worth the cost. But still, it seems that it must be really hard for some people to get the help they need because they can't afford it.

So, there is a lot of talk this week (mental health week) about eliminating the stigma around mental illness. This is good. I this k another big issue we, as a society, need to address is accessibility to treatment for those who can't afford to pay.

Dark places

So far 2014 has been a challenging one for me, especially related to my mental health. Earlier this year it was so bad I had to take a break from work...really and life. It's a bit better now.

The biggest thing I have noticed is how easy it has been for me to end up in dark places. Those kinds of places that no one wants to talk about. It is painful and frightening in those places. And, when I am there it is so easy for me to be convinced that I don't know how to get out, that I don't deserve to get out, and things will never get better. Rationally I know that none of this is true, but it doesn't change the emotions in those places.

Often I end up in those places because I see the world in a certain way. I am not able to ignore, or act is if, the madness in the world. It has a huge effect on. One piece of news that hits too close to home and I am done for days. One conflict that is truly difficult for me and a bunch of my previous trauma is triggered. It seems that there has been so much negativity around me that I am taking on. I haven't been able to keep my balance in it.

I have been dealing with these places, for the most part, alone. I've been too scared to let people help me. That's part of the trick. Dark places are isolating as well. And so, I am trying to reach out about these things. Dark places are hard and scary, but I think it wouldn't be quite so bad if there were people there to lend a hand, or a shoulder or an ear. That might be just the trick to get of the mindset that I don't know how to get out of the dark place.