Looking at it

Something happened today that made me think a lot about the last four or so years.  I won't go into details of what happened as it is really personal for someone else.  Anyhow...  back to me as I really only have a right to post my own stories, thoughts, feelings etc... here.

I ended up trying to explain to someone what it feels like to be on the edge of suicide.  It's such a desperate and scary place.  You can't see anything except the present misery and pain and know that you can't do it anymore.  I, thankfully, found one small shred of hope when I got to the end of my rope.

I was also thinking a lot about the hard times I've had and how things have changed.  Today I really needed to talk some stuff out.  Instead of isolating myself and pretending that everything was ok, I called my mum and went for a visit.  I told some people how I was feeling.  this is a huge thing for me and yet it was actually my first thought.  For so long I wouldn't have wanted to burden anyone, or I would have felt like I was a failure because I needed to talk.  Now I know that this is a good thing to do.  I am grateful that there are people in my life who are there for me, no matter what.

I also realize that I have faced some similar situations as the ones I was in that were so bad.  And, I handled them differently.  When I was in a relationship that wasn't really honouring who I am, I ended it.  When something messy went down at work, I dealt with it.  I didn't just accept these things.  I actually believed I deserve better.  Wow, I need to say that again.  I believed that I deserve better.

This is a big thing for me.  Really being able to see some of this in my actions.  And so, I am finding ways to move forward, to feel like the world is an ok place.