So often how depression feels
I am strong
I am weak
I have hope
I feel despair
I will persevere
I want to give up
I see the point
I am better
I am sliding again
I see the light
I feel like I am back in the dark
Things are flowing
I am walking in quick sand
I am connected
I am disconnected
I am powerful
I am powerless
I am confident
I am insecure
I am brave
I am scared
I have courage
I can't do it
I am calm
I am anxious
I am bright
I am dark
Wednesday 29 February 2012
Tuesday 28 February 2012
Old habits die hard
Today was not a good day for the most part. One of the things I tend to do is push myself too hard, until I crack. Well last night I cracked. I've felt the anxiety building for about 3 weeks not, but haven't stopped to do anything about it.
It's funny how I can know what I need to do to feel better, and yet I slide back into old habits quite easily. Change doesn't come easy, it requires hard work and effort. Sometimes it feels easier to not put in the work, but just let things go on the way they always have. In the moment it seems like the right thing to do. And yet, I know the consequences. Days like today, where I feel like I just can't cope anymore, like I don't want to keep trying. Days where my energy, hope and motivation seem to be nil.
And yet... As my friend said to me tonight, I have tools now that I didn't used to have. I took a sick day today and took care of myself, got some sleep, did some thinking and some writing. I called my counsellor and made an appointment. I went out with some lovely people this evening for some "therapizing" as they called it. All things that I wouldn't have done at one point. And so, as lousy as today has been in some ways, there is always hope.
It's funny how I can know what I need to do to feel better, and yet I slide back into old habits quite easily. Change doesn't come easy, it requires hard work and effort. Sometimes it feels easier to not put in the work, but just let things go on the way they always have. In the moment it seems like the right thing to do. And yet, I know the consequences. Days like today, where I feel like I just can't cope anymore, like I don't want to keep trying. Days where my energy, hope and motivation seem to be nil.
And yet... As my friend said to me tonight, I have tools now that I didn't used to have. I took a sick day today and took care of myself, got some sleep, did some thinking and some writing. I called my counsellor and made an appointment. I went out with some lovely people this evening for some "therapizing" as they called it. All things that I wouldn't have done at one point. And so, as lousy as today has been in some ways, there is always hope.
Monday 20 February 2012
The Road
I just watched the documentary "Darkness and Hope" by Michael Landsberg. For those who don't know he is a sports broadcaster in Canada. One of the lines of the movie was "it would be nice to say that depression is just a bump in the road, but for many of us it is the road for the rest of our lives". this is a way I have chosen to think about this. I don't want to feel like something is wrong if I can't be cured. Maybe I can, who knows. But, I know that things will not be better without changes by me. Part of this has been finding the things inside that make me feel lousy about myself. Part of it is choosing everyday to live in a way that honours who I am. Depression is part of who I am so I need to honour that part of me also. If I am on this road for the rest of my life, then the lifestyle things that keep the darkness more or less at bay become even more important. Knowing what all of these things are is important, and very challenging. It's really a trial and error process. If I do something and feel better or good, then probably worth putting energy to it. Being aware and paying attention are very important. I have days when I can't be bothered, but in the end, I usually notice that things are off. Hopefully some of the things to do become more automatic and less work over time.
I want to live my life the best way I can. That means doing what I need to do to be healthy, even if sometimes people don't understand that.
I want to live my life the best way I can. That means doing what I need to do to be healthy, even if sometimes people don't understand that.
Sunday 19 February 2012
Anxiety
So many of my recent posts have been about how things are better. Tonight is one of the not so good nights. I was out for dinner with my family, which was lovely. Just before I arrived home I started to feel major anxiety and it doesn't seem in a hurry to go away. I'm not particularly sure what is causing it, if anything. I know I can expect moments like these, but now that things are so much better, it makes it all the harder. Hopefully an evening of hockey and some crocheting will help.
Saturday 18 February 2012
Noticing things
Tonight I cleaned my bathroom floor, I mean really cleaned. Took a toothbrush to it and everything. Now for a lot of people this would not be remarkable, but for me it's pretty amazing. Now, don't get me wrong, cleaning the floor with a toothbrush is not exactly number one on my list of things to do normally. However, my place has needed a good cleaning for about 2 years now and I just haven't been able to do any of it. In fact, keeping up with the regular cleaning has been challenging. But today, I had the energy and drive to clean the floor. My guess is that this is a sign of things to come. Mainly having energy, wanting to do things, not barely making it...
Friday 17 February 2012
Depression
I recently spent a lot of time with someone who is right in the middle of depression. It made me realize how hard it must be for people who have never experienced this illness to understand. I have been there and I found myself asking why she couldn't just move on, couldn't realize or see some of the things she needed to do. Then, I made myself remember.
At that point you can't move on, you can't see solutions and it's hard to believe that anything except the darkness you are in exists. I remember my sister saying to me once that she was concerned about me because I still seemed pretty focussed on a break-up that had happened many months before. At the time I thought she was being insensitive and just didn't understand. I thought that it was normal to feel the way I did and truthfully I didn't know any other way to cope. In that instance I didn't move on from the feelings, but I did shut up about them. I guess this just shows the vicious circle of depression. Bad things happen and you feel down which means you can't deal with the bad things, so you feel worse, so you really can't deal so you feel even worse etc.... For me medication at least stopped the circle and let me deal.
I see now how difficult depression really is. It's hard for people who care to do anything because the depressed person really has to come to themselves. For me that was a terrible process. Accepting that I had depression, finding hope somewhere that medication would work and be worth the side effects. Accepting that the hard work and the awful moments of dealing with my stuff would be worth it in the end. It was hard for sure. I understand why people stay stuck in that bad place.
What can we do? I don't know if I really have any answers. The things that eventually helped me were:
At that point you can't move on, you can't see solutions and it's hard to believe that anything except the darkness you are in exists. I remember my sister saying to me once that she was concerned about me because I still seemed pretty focussed on a break-up that had happened many months before. At the time I thought she was being insensitive and just didn't understand. I thought that it was normal to feel the way I did and truthfully I didn't know any other way to cope. In that instance I didn't move on from the feelings, but I did shut up about them. I guess this just shows the vicious circle of depression. Bad things happen and you feel down which means you can't deal with the bad things, so you feel worse, so you really can't deal so you feel even worse etc.... For me medication at least stopped the circle and let me deal.
I see now how difficult depression really is. It's hard for people who care to do anything because the depressed person really has to come to themselves. For me that was a terrible process. Accepting that I had depression, finding hope somewhere that medication would work and be worth the side effects. Accepting that the hard work and the awful moments of dealing with my stuff would be worth it in the end. It was hard for sure. I understand why people stay stuck in that bad place.
What can we do? I don't know if I really have any answers. The things that eventually helped me were:
- having a safe place to go when I was feeling really down
- knowing that the people around me were in my corner
- having people who had been through it encourage me to explore the medication option - as they could see what was going on with me and they had experienced the benefits
- writing has been huge
- feeling safe to talk about depression
- having people who are in a healthy place around me
- having a good friend who was on the same journey and talking to her about things
Sunday 12 February 2012
Different Lives
I was at a party last night with about 15 other women. Everyone one there, except me, was married with kids. Now, granted, I met the hostess in her single days, before she met her husband. It got me thinking about what my life could have been like. What would have happened if I had married one of the guys I dated in my 20's? Likely, I'd be a single mother with however many kids by now. Putting being gay aside for a minute, I'll come back to that...
I am not the person I was then. In many ways I am very different. I guess it takes some of us longer to figure ourselves out. Or in my case, it took crashing for me to really take the time to do so. And, I suspect the depression has been around since I was a teenager with a lot of downs and a few ups in that time. This also would have made it hard for me to know myself.
Learning to pay attention to my needs is probably the biggest change for me. Knowing what I need to be healthy, to remain in a place where depression and anxiety are not the driving factors in my everyday life. I feel so much more able to relate to people in a way that works for me. I can see if I had married earlier in life at some point I would have likely ended things for this reason alone. I didn't know what I needed and often ended up in relationships that really didn't work for me on many levels.
Well, and the fact that I am gay. I guess in a lot of ways this was likely a factor in my subconscious. I wasn't aware of it exactly, but something always seemed a little off for me. At least now I know what this is and can focus on the other aspects of a relationship and finding what I need. In a lot of ways it's ok with me that I am single still. It certainly makes coming out less complicated if nothing else.
It's interesting to think about what might have been. Mostly it's good to think about more to appreciate where my life is today. I am single and most of the time this is ok with me. It's lonely some days for sure. It's my journey and it is the way it is. What the future holds, who knows?
I am not the person I was then. In many ways I am very different. I guess it takes some of us longer to figure ourselves out. Or in my case, it took crashing for me to really take the time to do so. And, I suspect the depression has been around since I was a teenager with a lot of downs and a few ups in that time. This also would have made it hard for me to know myself.
Learning to pay attention to my needs is probably the biggest change for me. Knowing what I need to be healthy, to remain in a place where depression and anxiety are not the driving factors in my everyday life. I feel so much more able to relate to people in a way that works for me. I can see if I had married earlier in life at some point I would have likely ended things for this reason alone. I didn't know what I needed and often ended up in relationships that really didn't work for me on many levels.
Well, and the fact that I am gay. I guess in a lot of ways this was likely a factor in my subconscious. I wasn't aware of it exactly, but something always seemed a little off for me. At least now I know what this is and can focus on the other aspects of a relationship and finding what I need. In a lot of ways it's ok with me that I am single still. It certainly makes coming out less complicated if nothing else.
It's interesting to think about what might have been. Mostly it's good to think about more to appreciate where my life is today. I am single and most of the time this is ok with me. It's lonely some days for sure. It's my journey and it is the way it is. What the future holds, who knows?
Saturday 11 February 2012
People and Colours
I've been thinking about depression and people and colours of late. To me people can be seen as colours.
My nephew is yellow to me. He is bright and sunny, smart and curious. He has the happiest smile and the most contagious laugh and he is an absolute delight to be around. My parents are all shades of blue and green. They are a calming influence in my life. They provide sanctuary for me when I need a place to just be. My sister is red. She is a bit of a spit fire. She's not afraid to tell you what she thinks, or tell it like it is. On the other hand she is kind and caring and compassionate. It's been such a privilege to see her move into different stages of life as a wife and mother. My brother-in-law is a bit of an enigma to me. He is all colours mashed together, but in a way you can see them all. But, what I do know is that he loves my sister and he is a great dad.
And me. What colour am I? For a long time I saw myself as black. No colours to share, no colours worth sharing. Depression, no self-esteem, feeling worthless, no way to see anything except black. I don't think others saw me this way, but I sure did. How do I see myself now? I believe I have some colours to share and worth sharing. Often I feel like they are still dark colours, but no longer black all the time. I think all of my colours are dotted with black, and probably always will be.
I find that my black dots are eager to once again grow into all encompassing blackness. While it was not a good way to live, it was comfortable for me. There really weren't days of feeling unsettled, of feeling like changes are hard. Those black places don't like the discomfort. When I am around people who are all black it takes a lot of energy for me to keep the black places as small dots. I feel so much for people in that place, because I was there, but that kind of black wants to suck up every bit of colour and make it black. I can see that in order to keep my colours I need to find people that are colourful, who can encourage my colours to grow and do not draw on the black dots.
My nephew is yellow to me. He is bright and sunny, smart and curious. He has the happiest smile and the most contagious laugh and he is an absolute delight to be around. My parents are all shades of blue and green. They are a calming influence in my life. They provide sanctuary for me when I need a place to just be. My sister is red. She is a bit of a spit fire. She's not afraid to tell you what she thinks, or tell it like it is. On the other hand she is kind and caring and compassionate. It's been such a privilege to see her move into different stages of life as a wife and mother. My brother-in-law is a bit of an enigma to me. He is all colours mashed together, but in a way you can see them all. But, what I do know is that he loves my sister and he is a great dad.
And me. What colour am I? For a long time I saw myself as black. No colours to share, no colours worth sharing. Depression, no self-esteem, feeling worthless, no way to see anything except black. I don't think others saw me this way, but I sure did. How do I see myself now? I believe I have some colours to share and worth sharing. Often I feel like they are still dark colours, but no longer black all the time. I think all of my colours are dotted with black, and probably always will be.
I find that my black dots are eager to once again grow into all encompassing blackness. While it was not a good way to live, it was comfortable for me. There really weren't days of feeling unsettled, of feeling like changes are hard. Those black places don't like the discomfort. When I am around people who are all black it takes a lot of energy for me to keep the black places as small dots. I feel so much for people in that place, because I was there, but that kind of black wants to suck up every bit of colour and make it black. I can see that in order to keep my colours I need to find people that are colourful, who can encourage my colours to grow and do not draw on the black dots.
Tuesday 7 February 2012
Sad and grateful
It seems to be a week of sad things, hard things, going on with people I know and some with people I don't. A friend of a friend was involuntarily admitted to the psychiatric ward as part of her journey with depression. February 7th is a day of remembering people gone too young for two people I know. Two RCMP were shot in a small town in Alberta today. Sad things.
I will add a bit of hope to today, at least in my life. I am feeling grateful for my life today. Grateful to be alive. Grateful that there are people out there who voluntarily choose dangerous jobs. I am also grateful that my own journey with depression hasn't landed me in the hospital and that the first medication I tried has worked. My doctor increased the dosage last week and again it seems to be working with minimal side effects.
Life is sometimes messy and hard and sad. I feel sad today for all the things that are going on. But, and this is the other bit of hope, I FEEL something. My goal in this whole journey is to feel connected to my life. That means feeling sad when things are sad, acknowledging that sometimes things are hard. But also knowing that feeling these things is a part of being alive. I'll take sad and grateful as feelings any day over numb.
I will add a bit of hope to today, at least in my life. I am feeling grateful for my life today. Grateful to be alive. Grateful that there are people out there who voluntarily choose dangerous jobs. I am also grateful that my own journey with depression hasn't landed me in the hospital and that the first medication I tried has worked. My doctor increased the dosage last week and again it seems to be working with minimal side effects.
Life is sometimes messy and hard and sad. I feel sad today for all the things that are going on. But, and this is the other bit of hope, I FEEL something. My goal in this whole journey is to feel connected to my life. That means feeling sad when things are sad, acknowledging that sometimes things are hard. But also knowing that feeling these things is a part of being alive. I'll take sad and grateful as feelings any day over numb.
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