As with many things in life, sorting through the root causes of depression came with a honeymoon period for me. There's that moment, that realization, that aha, there is it. Now I understand way better. Now I can finally feel good because that is gone. And for awhile this good feeling is enough to sustain. But, as with many things in life, that phase is not enough.
There is another phase, the one that comes after. The one where you learn to incorporate the learnings into your life. The one where you learn to live differently. For me, that means learning what I want and what I don't want, what makes me happy, what fills me with joy, what I like, what I don't like. In the end, it really means living my life according to my own rules, and no one else's. It means being ok with being different than what society tells me I should be. It means being ok with being different than what my family, friends and colleagues might want to tell me I should be. It means learning to live, at least part time, in the lesbian community. I have never really felt like I fit in in the main stream anything. Time to embrace that and be ok with it.
This means work. Hard work. It also means accepting that the process is my goal and there is no destination. Learning is goal. Getting to know and love myself more can only be good in the end. It will bring pain and hurt and weeks like this one when that seems to be all there is. But, it also means a better relationship with myself. It means knowing what my needs actually are, what my triggers for depression are and how to live my life in a better way.
I need help on this journey still. The medications are working, and I not depressed. This allows me to be able to try. But, I'm scared, I'm lonely and I often feel like I don't have any idea how to manage, how to cope.
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