In so many ways things are better than they were, but there has also been a lot of change in the last 9 months or so. Most of the change is good change, but it is still hard to grasp it all and really know what to do with it. I know myself better in a lot of ways. I know I am gay, I know I have a tendency to put myself last and not even consider that I have my own needs to be met, I know that I feel things with other people - I can't be a bystander to others emotions and I know that my old ways of being and coping are not healthy in a lot of ways and lead me to a bad place.
What I see now though is a me that doesn't quite know how to act in a lot of situations. When I feel off or insecure I find myself falling back to a lot of my old coping mechanisms. The major one is to be all chipper and outgoing and laugh a lot. Not that any of these things are bad, but they can also come across as nervous and likely this is what my friend is seeing in me. I also know that for me acting like this is an act, an act I use to hide how I really feel. I know that on some level we all do this, but for me it is exhausting because it is often so far from what is really going on with me. It also means that in the moment I am not really aware of my feelings, which can lead to bad situations sometimes.
In the end if often feels like I am back to square one. I know this is not true, but it doesn't change how I feel. After an evening of acting like this, like last night, I feel drained, down, depressed and desperately in need of time alone to recover. I know from this that I need to find a different way to handle situations where I am feeling insecure and not quite sure of how to be.
So, what to do about it? I guess just articulating that this is what I am doing is the first step. How to move forward? Not too sure. Guess it is something to think about. Any suggestions, experiences or thoughts?
Old habits die hard and practice makes perfect. Give it some time, Danielle. As you grow more accustomed to how you want to be, how you want to project yourself, it will become easier to be comfortable with yourself. At base, you want to make sure you are always looking after your own needs. Don't feel you need to control everything. Just relax and enjoy the moment. That's enough. New routines and new ways of being will come with time.
ReplyDeleteAgreeing with what Anonymous said. The nervousness is probably because being authentic is new to you. You're doing great. Keep practicing, and keep processing here, and keep looking at old writings and old memories because they are your benchmark for how far you've come.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree as well. I am always nervous in social situations, mostly because I do things now that I would have run away from only a couple years ago. Nerves are good! Means things really are changing, and you should trust your friends when they say it is for the better. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks all. There are moments when it is all overwhelming and I get frustrated. I forget that growth takes time. The last few days have been very much like that.
ReplyDeleteKeith - you would never know you are nervous. Glad you are able to do things you wouldn't have before.
Rondy here... Change is hard. And it spirals. So you revisit the same issues, on different levels. As you spiral through A, B, C & D, you aren't back at the same A, as you have gained knowledge, skills, better coping ability and self care. It feels frustrating, because you are revisiting old stuff. But you aren't back at step 1... You are at an elevated step 1. Ok, this might not make any sense....
ReplyDeleteI also think you have made the hugest gains.... Learning self care is tremendously difficult!!! Good for you!!!
And I think it's also like a pendulum... When you gain new ways of being, it takes a while to achieve balance.
As in all things, be patient and gentle. Take the care and compassion you would have for anyone else you saw doing the work you've done, and apply it to you. Go easy, friend.
Rondy - that is a lovely way to look at it and it totally makes sense, to me anyhow.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the encouragement, it means a lot and is really appreciated.