Do I deserve it?

Things have been better for me the last bit here.  A lot of the time I have been feeling really good.  I forget about the depression, I forget about being sad, I forget about the negativity that was so pervasive for so long.  I love the moments when I realize this has happened.

Then there are the moments I am still struggling with.  I catch myself sometimes feeling good, smiling, feeling happy and then thinking, wait this can't be right.  I don't deserve to be happy, I must find something to be down about.  I must create or state something negative to get back to my "natural" state of being.  For so long I believed that I didn't deserve to be happy, that I deserved all the bad crap that happened to me, that I deserved to be down and sad and depressed, that somehow I had brought it on myself.  Rationally, I can see that now, and I don't really believe it anymore.  But, there is some part of me that wants to go back to the comfortable, the predictable, even though it wasn't good.

I am not used to feeling good.  When people ask me how I am, I'm not used to being able to say good, or fine.  I used to saying ok, at best.  Feeling better is unsettling, it awkward and unknown.  I'm not sure how to be, what to say, how to act when things are ok.  I so often feel unsure of myself.  When I feel myself authentically smiling (and it's not for show) I'm surprised by the feeling.  Maybe this is what "normal" feels like?  Maybe this is what it is like to not be depressed?