Not in control anymore

For so long in my life I have felt the need to be on top of things all the time.  Don't make mistakes, don't forget things, know everything that is going on.  Lately I have noticed myself relaxing a lot on that.  It means knowing that I don't have to know everything, I don't have to be on top of everything all the time.  It is nice actually.

The thing is, the world doesn't end.  I find myself apologizing a bit more often, for things like forgetting money to pay for dodgeball, or for missing a meeting...  None of these things are life and death, there is always a remedy.  

The being in control all the time, at least in some ways, was a reaction to being bullied.  There was always an undercurrent of my job being threatened if I didn't do everything perfectly.  There were always questions and if I didn't know all the answers it went poorly.  I learned to know everything and never give them a chance to find fault.  But, living like that is brutal.  It meant taking responsibility for things that I had no control over.  It meant taking on parts of other peoples jobs because they weren't doing them.  In hindsight I can see that this was not my problem.  In the end it was too much, and I cracked.

Even recently I have noticed myself acting like this, although there isn't any bullying going on.  Slowly though I am noticing this tendency before it happens.  I find myself thinking along this line and for the most part I can talk myself into different behaviour.  I can remember to only be responsible for myself and that if I don't know everything, that's ok.  It means letting other people have their own stuff and not trying to own it, and it means realizing that I don't need to be in that head space. I used to know this, but habits are hard to break, especially when you don't even know you are doing it.  

The outcome of this is that my stress level is greatly reduced.  I only have my own stuff to deal with, my own stress and not other peoples.  It is freeing really.