Twisted like a pretzel

Since I was in Jr. High School I have rarely felt like I fit in anywhere, rarely felt like I belonged.  I spent a lot of those years twisting myself around like a pretzel in order to find a way to be accepted.  This was an effective strategy, for awhile.  In the end though, the act can only last for so long.  At some point something that is underneath comes through.  Then I would find myself feeling like an outcast again.

This is a bad pattern because at some point I didn't even know the person underneath it all anymore.  Anger, frustration, depression, anxiety.  These are the things that were right below the act.  When the act broke down, it's really no wonder that the people around me weren't all that happy to continue to be my friends.  I am sure that a lot of people took the brunt of all of these feelings when really they had very little to do with the cause.

The other thing about it is that being a pretzel hurts after awhile.  I wasn't meant to twist is all of those ways.  In the end I wasn't able to be what the people around me wanted, but instead of thinking that maybe I was in a situation that was a bad fit, I would twist and twist and twist until I broke.  Literally.  To me this is what happened a few times, but specifically when I finally really crashed nearly a year ago now.  I couldn't do it anymore and something inside me was screaming, stop!!! Get some help.

Have things changed for me?  I still often feel like an outcast and like I don't really fit in anywhere. Often this makes me feel alone and lonely.  At least now however I have two reactions that are positive.  The first is to remember that there are lots of people in my life who love and care about me.  And also who I love and care about.  I am accepted by them.  The second is to look at the situation.  Mostly I find that it is a situation where I feel like I can't really be myself.  And so I try a new situation.

As I am only learning who I really am and what I am all about, I think I am still often seeking out situations that aren't necessarily who I am.  At least sometimes I am able to recognize that before I twist very far, and try again.