How it feels

I stood up for myself big time this week.  I can't tell you yet how the story ends as it is still evolving, but suffice to say that things are going to be ok.  I can however tell you it felt for me to do this.

So, any of you who have read most of this blog, you will know that so much of what has been problematic for me has been not being able to stand up for myself.  Not feeling like I was worthy enough to say no when things were not good.  And letting other people treat me really badly.  As you will have guessed from the last couple of blogs someone tried it again with me this week.  I stood up and said no.  This is not right.

Even writing this blog I am getting really emotional about having done that.  It was so difficult for me.  It took everything I had in me to do this.  And I'm still recovering from the shock of the whole thing.  Things have been better for me of late, but I hadn't had to do anything this tough.  I'm in awe that I could do it and sad that it was so hard.  The thing is that I know without a doubt it was the right thing to do for me and I am totally willing to take whatever consequences happen.  My intuition was telling me to go a certain way, and I did.  In the short-term this is hard for me to handle and process and deal with.  I know that in the long-term it will pay off.

To me this is what it is like to really love myself.  It's the little things I do everyday, but it is also doing something big and hard and something that some people probably won't think is the right thing to do.  But, the bottom line is that I am only responsible to me.  I have/had to do the right thing for me.  Ok, I'm in tears now.  Must stop.  Tears of so much emotion.  Fear, love, awe, sadness etc...