Amazed

I was out walking today and got to thinking about my life a year ago and now.

I am still so often amazed at how different things are now.  I really never would have believed that life wasn't that hard, that everything wasn't crappy.  When I think on it, I must have had the depression for a long, long time because I don't really remember life being any different, I just thought that's the way things were.  It didn't seem to matter what I did, or how hard I tried I couldn't make things better.

Now I see how ill I really was.  I find myself now looking at some of the things I do and being amazed that I even can.  I managed to ask for and get a change to my work hours to 4 days.  I never would have thought that possible.  And the truth is this seems a bit against what society tells us to do and yet, I don't care.  I have managed to come to terms with my sexuality.  That to me is hard to fathom still.  I really did that, I was really able to see myself and what matters to me and then do something about it.  I was well practiced in the art of hiding so to come out of hiding is so "wow" for me.  I see myself more and more really caring about what matters to me and doing something about it.  Most often it is not big, but I am standing up for myself.  The bigger thing behind this is knowing what matters to me.  I never really knew that before.  I just went along to get along, but in the end that was destroying.  These are a few examples.

I am so in awe of myself in so many ways.  I can't believe I am able to do all of this and that really it is not that hard.  I assume this is what "normal" feels like (without depression).  It's just so amazing to me that life can be like this.