Checking back into life

I just finished reading Portia de Rossi's memoire about her struggle with anorexia and being gay, called "Unbearable Lightness".   There is a line in the epilogue that really struck a chord with me.  It goes, "Being sick allows you to check out of life.  Getting well again means you have to check back in."

For me, a lot of my depression came, and still comes, when I feel ignored, or invisible.  For so long I only wanted someone to notice me and yet I did everything in my power to make sure that no one did.  It's twisted, I know, but it's a mental illness and that's the way it works.  When I finally was diagnosed with depression I found that I all of a sudden got lots of attention.  People were worried, I guess rightly so actually.  I ate up the attention.  But I still didn't really believe I deserved it.

The challenge is how to live being well and not feel the same feelings.  How do I get the attention I need, but in a positive way, is a better way to ask.  So much of it for me is being aware of my needs and asking others to consider them.  This usually isn't a big thing, but when you are used to being invisible asking for anything is hard.  Some little examples; when scheduling an event that you want me to be at, please consider my schedule; making sure I am part of conversations if I have something to say; expressing my preference of restaurants, movies, activities... etc...  The list goes on.

I am getting a lot better at these things.  So much of it isn't about practice, but about believing that I deserve to have my needs and wants considered.  I still have moments when I crave attention, but generally I am better about going out and finding it.  I will make a point of visiting my parents or my sister instead of staying home alone.  I'll call a friend.  I'll write an email or a blog.  And when I do all of these things I am slowly, slowly getting better at telling people when I am hurting, instead of pretending that everything is ok.  It's a process that starts with paying attention to myself and continues with letting other people care for me when I need it.