Making new rules to live by

There were some significant events along my journey to crashing from depression.  One was a few years where I was in 2 different rotten situations, one was work and the other was a relationship.  There is lots of trauma coming from those, but the question of the day is why did I stay in them so long? 

Some of the rules I used to live by were don't make a fuss, don't be seen, do what is expected, don't be different.  This came to play particularly in the work setting.  I had a full-time career job.  Good pay, good benefits and the work was related to my schooling. Exactly what everyone is striving for right? But, the job was not a good fit at all.  I knew this going on in, but I went in on a short-term contract so I figured it would be ok for that amount of time.  Then daily my self-confidence was eroded by a lot of things.

So, why did I stay?  Really, why didn't I just say no in the first place. Well, it was supposed to be what I was striving for.  It also was the "safe" decision.  Don't take a risk, don't leave, keep the sure thing.  In the end it turned out to be one of the most dangerous places as my mental health took a real beating.  It almost destroyed me.

What's the lesson here?  I need some new rules to live by.  My life can't be about the safe decision, it can't be about what other people think I should want.  I know that I will likely always be vulnerable to mental health challenges and so I need to consider that.  I need to trust my gut, or my heart, or whatever you want to call it.  If something in me says this isn't right, I need to pay attention to that.  

By making safe decisions I have put myself in many situations that were soul destroying and not soul building. I've known that many decisions were not that best ones and yet I kept along that path in order to no make a fuss or be different.  Being true to myself is a challenging road, but it is the one rule I need to live by, always.