First time

I went to my first lesbian dance last night.  Beforehand I was pretty nervous.  In a lot of ways it felt like a big step.  A big step into the unknown anyhow.  I found out in the morning that the lady who was supposed to come pick me up had the flu and wasn't going.  Drat.  Back to having to arrive alone.  Then another couple of nice ladies volunteered to come get me.  I was thankful for that.  It's not nearly so intimidating to arrive with people who are comfortable being there.

What was I nervous about you might ask?  The unknown mainly.  I really had no idea what to expect.  I think also it was just one more time of admitting to myself and the world that I am gay.  While I am ok with that, it still feels awkward and weird.  But the fact that I was willing to put myself out there and go anyhow shows so much progress from a year ago.  Then, there is no way I would have been able to handle the anxiety associated with even thinking about going to this kind of thing.  I also wouldn't really have been aware of why I didn't want to go, I just wouldn't have gone because it took too much energy (ok, and I didn't know I was gay).

Yesterday I was totally aware of the fact that I was nervous and that this was a normal reaction to the situation.  I wasn't having a major panic attack, well for very long anyhow.  I was able to tell people I was nervous, meaning I was aware of how I felt.  This to me is the success of it all.  And, I also had a really nice time.  The atmosphere was casual and friendly.  I danced most of the evening.  I knew a few people and met some new ones.  And, for those who like Danielle is accident-prone stories, I also managed to spill part of my beer on me and on someone else.  All in all it was a fun night.