Who am I?

There are moments lately when I say or do or decide something and the next thought I have is who am I?  I am off to a dinner tomorrow with an optional gift exchange.  I decided not to participate because I don't love those exchanges.  This is only one example.  Really, underlying it is that I pay attention to me and make decisions based on what I want, not what I think other people expect.  I hardly recognize this person who does these things.

This is such a change for me.  I suspect for a lot of people though this is how they live.  It is certainly a nicer way to live.  I used to resent it when I would do things because I felt obligated to do them.  It really felt like other people were controlling my life.  I am learning that, that is a choice.  I can choose to let them, or I can take charge of my life.  Mostly it's not as dramatic as that makes it sound.  But it does mean less stress as I don't worry about some of the little things.  If I had to go out tonight and get a gift and figure how to wrap it etc etc I would be feeling a lot of stress right now as those are things I don't enjoy.  Instead I am relaxed and I will enjoy the gift exchange from the sidelines and be totally ok with that.

As I get better from the depression I often wonder if this is what it is like to live without depression.  I have no concept really of what living recovered from this disorder means.  What I do know is that I like my life and myself a lot better now than I have probably ever, or at least for a very very long time.