It's New Years Eve. It's the time of year when everyone seems to reflect on the year that was and so I will so the same. 2011 was one of great challenge for me. Right at the end of 2010 I had my diagnosis of depression. This totally freaked me out, but somehow I managed to start on the medications I needed to help me get better.
Last New Years Eve I spent with my parents. Mainly because they were two only the only people I could handle being around. I was struggling so much. The thought of being around strangers was impossible. Even the thought of being around friends was nearly unthinkable. My parents on the other hand was doable. We were also waiting for news as my sister was in the hospital on labour-inducing drugs so we were waiting for my nephew to make his way into the world. It is much better to be waiting for that kind of news with others who are waiting as well. (For the record my nephew arrived the next morning).
Throughout the year I have worked very hard at learning to live with depression. I have also faced so many of the causes of it, or as I sometimes put it, faced many of my demons. Faced many of the things that were causing me hurt and pain and well depression, or at least contributing to it. This process sucked quite frankly. It caused me to feel hurt, sorrow, sadness, angry, regret, pain. It made me shed many tears, swear a lot and sometimes wonder if it was worth it. It made me look inside myself and let go of so many things I had been carrying around. Even now, looking back on the process, I am close to tears. So often in the moment it didn't feel worth it.
Slowly, as things started to get better I was able to see my life in a different light. Anti-depressant medication certainly helps. Depression causes a vicious circle. It makes it hard to problem-solve, which makes it hard to see things in a reasonable light, which makes the depression worse, etc... The medication serves to stop the cycle by stopping the depression. It allowed me to start to use the logical side of my brain again. It allowed me to see solutions, to see what was causing me to feel like I was, to know that things would get better.
I also experienced other things this year that I haven't experienced in a really long time. Peace, calm, joy, happiness, connectedness. While so many of my actions were meant to protect me from pain, they also cut off emotions in general. Feeling the good emotions is part of the package of feeling the bad ones.
Where am I now? Today I feel good. It amazes me that I can even say that. I'm not scared of it anymore. I don't feel like I am tempting the fates to say that. I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop. So much of this is that for me, feeling good is more about being connected to myself. Knowing how I feel, recognizing my value and asking for my needs to be met. It means feeling my emotions, being open to joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, happiness and sadness. And so I say I feel good. I have days where things are all good, I have things where things are all bad and some that are in between. But, and this is a big but, I am no longer numb. I am valuable because I am me and I am learning to act this way. I am alive and living instead of existing.
What does 2012 bring? I am not all the way better. I know that I still have moments when the depression and anxiety take over. I know there are still things I need to deal with and sort through to really know myself. I have faith that I can do this. I will continue to take the world one day at a time. I have faith that I will continue on my path of healing. I have faith that I will continue to feel good.
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