This journey of healing is full of twists and turns. So often I take stock and think, boy do I feel better. And then awhile later I do the same and feel even better. Every time this happens it makes me happy and sad at the same time. Happy I am getting better, but sad for how bad things were.
Lately I have started to be able to see some of the quirky, fun, and light-hearted moments of my life. For so long I have been in the fog of depression. I was protecting myself from the dark, hard, scary and hurtful things that I knew were there. What I see now is that I was also excluding the good things; for instance, leaving goofy messages on a wipe-board for my boss at a previous job, my dad teaching me to ride a bike, feeding my sister mud pies (she might argue about this being a good thing), funny ways of popping popcorn, my aunt offering me a nickel to hiccup again, my grandma giving us $2 after she would win at nickel bingo, a chocolate pudding fight in the cafeteria, etc etc... These are the kinds of things that I haven't even thought about until recently.
As I slowly deal with the dark things, I find there is light behind them. My life hasn't been all bad, hard, hurtful and scary. There were many good moments, and there still are. Depression made it so I couldn't see these for a time, but they haven't gone away. Some of the darkness is lifting and for that I am very grateful.
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