Emotional piggy bank and acid

When I first went to my doctor he explained depression to me in terms of an emotional bank.  I like to think of it in terms of a piggy  bank though (could be because I like interesting images).  What he said was that we all have an emotional bank and for most people, on average what goes in at the top is about the same amount that comes out at the bottom.  And for most people the bank is generally pretty full.  With depression the bank is close to empty or empty.

For me I see the image in terms of a piggy bank with acid in it.  The acid is at the bottom and eroding away many holes.  No matter what you do to fill it up from the top, the holes just get bigger and bigger at the bottom.  Eventually there is so little in the piggy bank that you don't have the energy to try to fill it up anymore, but the acid just keeps on going.  I see that when the bank is totally empty that's when people get to the point of contemplating suicide.  There is nothing left to give hope that things will get better.  Thankfully for me, my piggy bank got really really low, but there is was something small left to give me hope.

In order to  get better from depression I needed to find a way to neutralize the acid.  The acid is all the hurts and trauma and challenges and unacknowledged things over the years that  just kept eating away and eating away.  Neutralizing the acid has to come from the top and the bottom.  It's a matter of putting the piggy bank in water (medications, counseling, friends, family...) to stop the acid from having any potency anymore.  And then finding ways to reconstruct the holes.  The piggy bank has changed shape and some part of the reconstruction are stronger than they were and others are weaker, but the holes in the bottom are smaller now, and will get even smaller I believe as time goes on.  Often I still find new holes that need repair.  This process is often brutally hard and the repair jobs seem impossible, but little by little I seem to be finding a way.

It was also critical to find different things to put in the piggy bank from the top.  Find things that make me happy, find ways to make sure I am taking care of myself, reconnect with people, connect with other people, recognize the good things in my life...  After so many years of not paying attention to me this is not an easy process.  I am not really sure what needs to go in the top, but I am working on it.  Some of that is trial and error, which is a difficult way, but I am not sure what other way I can do this.

My piggy bank is very misshapen and I'm not convinced I am repaired all the holes made by the acid.  But, it's my piggy bank and I feel like I am finally really starting to take responsibility for what happens to it.