I was at a course today about coaching. A big part of the goal of this is to help others find their own solutions to problems, issues etc... What it also means is asking the rights kinds of questions to help people dig deeper into themselves to find those solutions. The course also continues tomorrow.
I found myself a bit on edge all day. This is a course with a lot of co-workers and so to me this is still my work environment. We did a lot of practicing on each other today. I found myself being very careful with what I was telling people about the issues I was looking for coaching on. While there are some people from work who read this blog and know a lot about me, there is decidedly a vulnerability line I don't want to cross in that kind of environment.
This is hard for me. I've had 2 types of ways of reacting to this kind of situation in the past. Either it was to but up a huge wall and reveal nothing, or I reveal too much. I'm not used to feeling myself protecting myself to a point, and yet letting myself take risks and be vulnerable about other things. My counselor has been telling me for a long time that I get to pick in these situations. I've never really looked at picking and choosing and intentionally deciding how far I let people in.
It's extremely tiring as I am learning a new skill in the coaching, and I am also learning a new skill in deciding how vulnerable to be. And yet, it is exhilarating also to really see that I have a real choice in the matter. I can go on this course and learn and grow, and yet not put myself in a situation I don't want to be in. As I write this, I realize this is another example of me finding ways to care about me, to do what I need to be ok.
I was given a metaphor once about boundaries. It is like a garden. Imagine a spiral, with gates in it as you go deeper towards the centre. There is the part that everyone can see when they walk by. If you choose, you can open some of the gates. The first gate might be to let people in a little bit...letting them get to know more than by walking by, but just so much. The more you trust and know someone, the more gates you open. So aquaintances might be allowed into the space in your garden at the outer periphery, while close friends or family are allowed deeper into your garden. (Or not...) Depends how safe you feel with a person. A life partner would likely be allowed the deepest. But even then, there is part of your garden, the secret garden part, that only you know. That you don't share. THat is private. when I was given this metaphor, the person also suggested to imagine places in your garden... so there might be a bench, where you can imagine someone waiting, letting there be some time to know each other better. Just because you don't let them in deeper this time doesn't mean they don't come in deeper next time.
ReplyDeleteLearning boundaries is such a healthy growth thing!!