I've been having some very honest and frank email discussions with a friend lately. It's interesting that through that process I can see that some part of me is able to be rational. Or at least I can see that rational side of things and I can use that part of my brain during these conversation. I am still pretty emotional about a lot of things, but these are things that were sad or hurtful. I think this is a natural reaction. But, on the other side of things I can say things like "sharing our stories is an important part of life, I believe it makes us less lonely and better able to cope with the hard things." A year ago, even 3 months ago, I'm not sure I would have been able to get there.
In the middle of depression that was one of the hardest things for me, the inability to see anything rationally. I'm smart and I like to think things through and see what is rational, what makes sense, and what all the sides of a story are. I guess for a long time I was pretty willing to ignore my side as invaluable now that I think about it. For me, being able to see at least some things in a rational light is a big sign of doing better. I also find though that I am more likely to credit my story than I ever used to me.
Writing this blog has made me feel very sad. Sad that I used the thing I like to do, explore different sides of an issue, to add to feeling like crap (by ignoring me). I'm sad for what this says about how I felt about myself. I'm sad because, while I feel better, I'm not so confident in that and I really hope that I don't go back to that place of thinking that I don't matter.
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