I've been thinking a lot about my trauma from workplace bullying a lot the last few days. I guess this is what happens when you crack open the parts that have been hidden and sealed off for a long time. I thought I had dealt with what happened in that workplace. Turns out I was wrong, or at least partially wrong.
I have let myself be extremely angry with the bully's boss and with a few other people who refused to do anything. And I had myself convinced that this was enough. The truth is I haven't processed my feelings about the actual bully. I haven't felt safe enough to go there. Wow, crazy effect that kind of mentally dangerous situation can have. I'm still having trouble making myself face it because I am scared of what I am going to find. I am scared to open up that box again.
I know it was a horrible time for me and so much of me just wants to forget it. But, if I have learned anything about myself in working on recovery from depression, it's that I can't forget things like that. I can pretend I have, but eventually it catches up with me. The other thing is that I know the stuff I haven't dealt with is affecting how I react to things today, and it is making me react in ways I don't like all that well.
I know that I will tackle this, but it is going to take time. I think I need to go slow so I can convince myself I am safe and exploring these emotions is ok.
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