Hiding

Do you ever have those days where all you want to do is stay in bed, pull the covers over your head and pretend the world doesn't exist? Today was one of those days for me. I did a pretty good job of ignoring the world also. I called ij sick to work and didn't leave my house until fairly late this evening.

So, the real question is, why this kind of day? I could just say it's complicated and leave it at that. But that's no ttrue. I could also just day that there is no real reason and leave it at that. But that's not true either.  Those would be the easy answers. The kind of things I used to say to keep people away. I think I've been doing that again a bit lately.  So here goes.

I am tired of being around people.where I still feel like I have to put on the mask every day, where I still feel like I can't authentic, where I feel all the time like I have to watch what I say.  Work has felt particularly difficult of late.

So why do I feel like I need to be careful at work? In a lot of ways it is an automatic reaction for me. Just thinking about it is making me very agitated. I can see that there are a lot of things I was told at a previous work place that I haven't yet sorted out,a lot of things about how incompetent I was, how I couldn't do my job, how I needed to watch what I said and did.

What I haven't internalized is that there were a.l couple of things going on there that were working against me in a big way.  The first is that I was working in a very toxic environment for people who were bullies. The second is that I had undiagnosed depression and anxiety for the whole time I worked there. These two things fed each other leading to some bad situations, which were blamed solely on me. I internalized that it was all my fault all the time. I know this isn't true, but it is hard to let go of the reaction.

Based on my current reactionto work I haven't let a lot of that go. Something to work on.

In the mean time I will try to give the real answer, the one that lets peope in instead of pushing them away.