Signs

Today was the Pride parade where I live.  That combined with a conversation I had with a friend from my high school days last week has me thinking a lot about being gay.  When my friend and I got talking about it she told me she knew, or at least the thought has occurred to her.  She said I didn't seem interested in boys like everyone else.  She also said when I got really involved in church it seemed like I was really hoping that it would "take".  These are similar things to what I can see in hindsight.  Interesting that she saw them in the moment.

I am still often amazed at my own powers of deception.  It seems I wasn't able to deceive those around me that knew me well, but I was certainly able to deceive myself.  In all those years, more than one person asked me if I was gay and I said no.  I remember every time having crazy anxiety when they would ask the question.  I also remember faking thinking boys were interesting when I was a teenager. But, I thought that was normal.  I thought everyone was faking it, just to fit in.

When I started going to church and getting really involved, it didn't feel fake, at least not in the moment.  I truly thought I was there because I believed in God and Jesus and the whole Christian message.  There were times when I wondered what was wrong with me, but they were few and far between.

Don't get me wrong, the thought occurred to me several times also, but I managed to brush it off, to convince myself it wasn't true.  But, every time I had a boyfriend I remember feeling a sense of relief, that the world wouldn't question me anymore.

And so, I deceived myself. When I look back, what seemed normal in the moment, seems so not normal to me now.

My goal all along this journey with depression has been to live authentically and honestly with myself.  Coming to terms with my sexuality was a big step in that process.  Learning to be honest with myself was an even bigger step.

And so, I will live the rest of my life knowing that I like women and not men.  This might be a harder path as far as far as fitting in in some circles in society.  But, it is an easier path than lying to myself and feeling like there is something wrong with me everyday.