Shame where it belongs

After I wrote the last couple of posts about being bullied at a previous workplace, something started to shift. It was shame. Ever since I was in that workplace I have been carrying around shame for what happened. This shows up in blaming myself for a lot of things. In thinking "if only"...

I also haven't talked a lot about what happened, not here, not in counseling, not with friends. I have been living in fear that if I talk about it, someone will blame me, like the powers that be at that workplace did. But all the fear and not talking do is to perpetuate the idea that I was at fault.

That the problem was that I couldn't handle things and that meant there was something wrong with me. That I was struggling and therefore I needed to change who I am.  I believed this thinking for a long time. I suspect on some level I still do. But things are shifting.

I didn't do anything wrong. This was not my fault. Did I have a hard time? Sure. Did I have a couple of reactions at work that I wish had been different? Sure. But ultimately I was in a very dangerous and harmful situation and I was doing what I needed to in order to survive. That is all. No shame, no blame, just survival...and that was all I could manage then, and for a long time afterwards.

I think that I needed to get stronger in order to face this. It is really hard. I think I must be strong enough now because I am looking at it more deeply than I have let myself before.

And so bully, and so powers that be, and so others not willing to do something, this is me putting the shame.back on you. Where it has always belonged. You are the ones that created this situation and you are the ones that had the power to make it better and wouldn't. The shame is yours.