My Way

For the first time in a long time I am doing a little bit of Christmas decorating at my place, or as my mum called it putting my humbug away. And frankly she's right.

For a number of years I have tried to avoid Christmas and all that comes with it. The parts that I couldn't igmore made me anxious and more unhappy than I already felt. Why you might ask? I've asked myself the same question.  There was nothing particularly wrong with the Christmas celebrations in my life and really no obvious reason that I did my best to avoid it.

But there was a subtle reason. Depression. Complete and utter lack of ability to see why I was miserable and how to make things better. And a lack of self-esteem and confidence from depression and trauma.

I felt that to "properly" celebrate Christmas I needed to love every minute of it. I also felt that I had to keep up with some people in my life who love Christmas. Those people decorate their houses amazingly and do all the baking and hosting etc... I love that about them. But feeling like I had to keep up with them was paralyzing.

The depression and trauma also made it so I couldn't see that there was a choice to do things in a way that makes sense for me. I couldn't see that I had options, let alone figure out what those options were. And so I was a humbug. I thought I hated Christmas, well really for a few years I did. I always felt like I was letting someone down because I couldn't be the perfect Christmas person. My perceived expectations was impossible to meet and so I was miserable.

It's taken me a few years of feeling better to really get a handle on what makes sense to me and I am pretty sure this will evolve. This year though I put up a little tree, a stocking, a couple of decorations, and some outside lights. That is enough to make me happy. Not a lot of fuss, but enough to feel festive. Next year who knows?