Raw

I feel cracked open wide.  And raw, totally raw.  You know when you get a sore spot on your tongue and you can't stop rubbing it against your teeth, even though it hurts?  That kind of raw.

Yesterday I started to address the previous workplace trauma in my counseling session.  I opened the lid on the box that has been nailed shut for the last 6 years.  It was brutal really.  But the thing is, the box was so full that things were coming out the sides, in weird way.  Hopefully by taking the lid off I can relieve some of the pressure.

It took all of my courage to start talking about all of it. I didn't really know what I was going to find in the box, but I was sure scared of it. I felt like I was going to be sick I had so much anxiety.  I could barely speak, barely get started.  I'm working on not being so scared of it.  On remembering that I have tools now that I didn't have then.  That I have medications to help control the depression and anxiety.  That I can handle this.  This last one is a harder sell to be sure.

It was such a terrible time in my life that it is hard to relive it, hard to talk about it and explore it.   I haven't done much of that at all since it happened.  There is so much hurt, so much anger, so much sadness, so much despair, and so much desperation there.  When I think of at all I am actually not sure how I managed to keep going, how I managed to much of anything at all.

They say time heals all wounds, but in this case I'm not sure that is true.  Time has given me a chance to get in a better place to handle it all, but it certainly hasn't healed any of it.  Talking about it, looking at it as the person I am now instead of the person I was then, that is what I think will help, at least I hope so.