Small things

Recently I have done a couple of things that show me that all the work I have been doing is paying off. Really they are pretty small things, but not for me.

A couple of times recently in meetings with my boss she said something that didn't sit quite right with me. Both times, a few days later, I asked her about them. I know my boss to be a forthright person and these 2 times proved the same. For me, asking her to explain the things she said was no small feat.

In the past I would have ignored the feelings that bothered me and then got angry because I felt them. This anger likely would have been directed at me and at my boss. Eventually with enough of these moments I would blow up. I know, it happened a couple of times. Add some undiagnosed depression in and it was a bad situation. Especially since excessive anger and inability to problem solve are 2 symptoms of depression.

I certainly didn't believe that I had a right to ask for an explanation or to express my concerns. I figured that other people always knew better. Also, after blowing up at someone, it is hard, actually pretty much impossible, to go back to the source of the problem rather than focus on the poor behaviour.

And so, I am happy to report that I talked to my boss. I felt like I had every right to ask her about the things she said. I was able to be curious about those things, rather than angry. There will not be a blow up as I am no longer concerned. I have an explanation and I have voiced my concerns. Our working relationship is exactly what it was before I asked, maybe better because we understand each other a bit better now. I know now that I can handle things this way, and for that I am glad.