Letting it go

I  recently had a very interesting revelation about myself and how I have often dealt with negative emotions.   I was talking to my mum and she was talking about how a lot of things that bother other people don't bother her.  My thought was, how awesome, and how great that is.

As we were talking though, I realized that so often I have said I am not bothered by things.  The thing is, for me, this isn't true.  I do feel things, lots of things bother me.  Instead of actually letting things go, or not being bothered, I have pretended I am ok when really all I have been doing is  ignoring or repressing the emotion.  Eventually, this made me feel like I had no right to feel my own emotions and was part of the cause of depression for me.  I am only capable of burying emotions for so long and then it has a bad effect.

I've said many times I wouldn't let myself feel anything for a long time.  While this is true, I am starting to see that it came from a place where I didn't feel like I had a right to feel anything.  I shouldn't be bothered by things and if I am then there must be something wrong with me.

Seeing this is helping me figure out how to look at things differently.  Emotions are what they are.  If something bothers me, it bothers me.  Period.  No need to pretend it doesn't.  What I do with it is much more important.  It's ok to feel things.  I have a right to my emotions.  Lots of times the emotions are not worth holding on to.  But, I need to acknowledge that they are there and figure out what to do with them, instead of pretending I don't feel anything.  Often, letting the emotions go is the right thing to do, but when this is a conscious decision and not an automatic unhealthy pattern, what a huge difference it makes to how I feel about myself.

Feeling things isn't always fun, but it is a normal part of being me.  Choosing what to do with the emotions instead of ignoring them away is a much healthier way for me to live.