Shame

At group lately we've been talking about shame.  This really has struck a chord with me.  Although, at first I wasn't at all open to even thinking about it.  Last night two of the women were talking to another woman about how some of her ways of interacting make it difficult to feel connected to her, or to get to know her really.  This conversation made me really uncomfortable and I've been working out some of the why.  For me, it comes back to shame.

I realize that in so many instances in my life the feedback I have been given has been in a way that was intended to make me feel shame. It was given in a way to make me feel like there was something wrong with who I am.  And, I took it that way. I felt shame, I felt like there was something wrong with me.  Not with my behaviour, but with me.

One example, which seems trivial but really wasn't in the moment.  I've never been a night owl, never.  Even when I was the age where people stayed up late and partied or pulled all nighters to study, I wasn't a night owl. I almost always was in bed before midnight.  I was dating this guy a few years ago who was a night owl.  He liked to stay up really late and then sleep in until noon or later.  So, many a time when I was ready to go home or to bed at 10 he would go after me.  He told me so often that there was something wrong with me because I wouldn't stay up late with him.  And, I started to wonder if there really was something wrong.

When I first found a counsellor here where I live now I had another experience with shame.  She was giving me some feedback about something or other and I took it really badly.  I felt judged and defensive and angry.  And, as I can now see in hindsight, shame.  Shame for being a certain way.  Shame for whatever it was that she pointed out.  The thing is, she hadn't been trying to shame me, it was just my way of reacting.  After we talked about this, I finally was able to find a way to take some of the feedback she gave.  It was the first time that I can remember starting to believe that someone was telling me something to be helpful and didn't have any intention of being mean and nasty with it.  I didn't realize it then, but this was actually a really big step for me.

So now, how am I feeling?  I am scared that I will be next at group to receive the feedback and I don't know if I can handle it.  I don't know if I can trust that it is intended in a caring way and not in a way intended to shame me.  I don't know if I can leave the shame aside and really take the feedback and do something with it.  And yet, just being able to talk about shame and see it for what it is, is a big step for me.  To even acknowledge this emotion is a big step.  And really, talking about it, bringing it from the secret to the light, is the first step to making it smaller.

I think it must be normal to be scared in this situation.  Shame is a tough emotion to deal with and manage.