Sometimes

Sometimes I realize how bad things were for me.  I really had no idea what it felt like to feel ok about life.  Or at least if I ever had that feeling I totally forgot what it was like.  It's amazing to me that I can feel so calm.  It's amazing to me that things that used to send me for a tail spin, are minor now.  It's amazing to me how I managed to keep going.

I have had some really tough times.  This illness I have can make life completely intolerable, can make everything in life seem completely impossible.  Small decisions are hard, big decisions are earth shattering.  Every day it is a struggle just to be alive.  Every day it's a struggle to figure out what to wear, what to eat, how to navigate the relationships at work without losing it, how to navigate other relationships.  It's impossible to fathom that things could be better because just being is so hard.  Thinking about the work required to be better is so overwhelming it seems easier to keep on surviving.  Asking for help seems impossible.  And then, there is rock bottom.

This is the place when everything becomes intolerable.  It is also the place where I realized that something had to change.  It sucked, a lot.  And yet, it was the beginning of new things for me.  The beginning of really learning how to live my life differently.  The beginning of healing, the beginning of living instead of surviving.  It has been hard, sometimes terrible.  But, I can see now that it has also been worth it.

I'm finding my way forward, bit by bit.  I notice myself doing things differently, reacting differently.  It's been scary to feel so unsettled.  Slowly but surely though I can see that things aren't so hard anymore.  Some of the new things are becoming habit rather than work.  It's pretty amazing I must say.