My birthday

Yesterday was my birthday.  I've been thinking about how I feel about having a birthday and being the age that I am now.  I've had a lot of "nothing" birthdays where they passed with little fanfare, although not totally unrecognized.  I've thrown myself the odd party.  I've been away travelling also.  Many different kinds of birthdays.

So this year.  How do I feel?  The truth is I've been having fun celebrating, but in my own way.  I've discovered that lots of small celebrations is more my thing than one big one.  I've been out for dinner with a friend, had a surprise cake from my family, been for drinks with friends, going for ice cream later this week and maybe a coffee date with another one.  It's been super fun.  One of the funny moments was the surprise cake from my family.  I can truly say I didn't expect it, although maybe I should have.  And, I got the same candle that we have using for cakes for quite awhile now.  It is a number 5.  I really love those kinds of harmless jokes. They make you laugh and no one gets hurt or offended or anything.

For the first time in awhile it feels good to celebrate.  Good to feel good.  Good to think it is fun to do things.  And, I also feel ok about having the attention on me for a day.  I used to feel embarrassed about this.  I so desperately wanted the attention, and yet when I got it I didn't feel like I deserved it, or people were just being polite or whatever.  I couldn't really appreciate it.  This year, I don't feel like that.  It's ok to command attention on my birthday (or the couple of weeks around it as the case may be).  It's ok to recognize that the people around me want to celebrate with me.  Truth is, I've been soaking it up.

I don't need anything grand.  Even just someone saying happy birthday in the hall at work or on facebook is lovely.  I know that grand gestures certainly aren't my strength, and I don't expect them at all.  Small ones feel really good to me.

When I reflect on all of this, I realize how different things are.  I don't feel ashamed when I get attention.  I also feel good about celebrating my way.  Yes, I'm another year older.  But my life has seemed really hard a lot of the last few years.  Right now, it doesn't seem so hard.  Age is a number.  Being in a good place is so much more important to me.  To me that is a reason to celebrate.  My birthday is just a good excuse.