Good-bye

Group tonight was interesting and challenging.  It started as per normal and then about 2/3 of the way through it one lady announces she can't make it next week, the last week before the group ends.  So then all of a sudden things take a complete 90 degree turn.  Understandably for sure, but I felt a bit hi-jacked by the fact that she waited that long to tell us.

So now my mind is going in all sorts of directions.  I know my tendency with good-byes is to pick a fight first so that I can walk away angry, instead of dealing with whatever emotions I actually have about it.  So, am I feeling annoyed by the timing of her announcement just so I can be angry and not sad that I am likely never going to see her again?  Maybe, but I feel sad also.

I'm also anxious about next week as I am not sure I have it in me to say good-bye for 1.5 hours.  To manage the emotion of that.  I expect it will waffle between sadness and frustration.

So, how exactly do I feel about group ending?  In some ways I am relieved.  Over 4 months of saying good-bye has been a lot.  In some ways good to get a better feel for how I normally end things, but also a lot.  Also, in the last while I  am really starting to feel like the value I am getting out of going is not enough to compensate for the money I am paying to be there.  Again, maybe a way of making things easier.

But, I also know that I was thinking of leaving in the coming spring sometime.  I have gained a lot from being there and I'm sure if it were continuing I would gain more, but it does seem to be that the amount I am gaining is slowing a lot.  Do I feel ready to brave the world without the safety net of therapy?  Maybe.  I am not overly anxious as I write this, and that is usually a sign for me that I am ok with things.  So it does seem like it is time to try on my own.  Well, not really on my own, but without the professional safety net.

I know in the last while I have been trying to harder to rely on the people in my life when I need to sort through things.  That will have to continue as I go forward.  I hope I will be ok.  I hope that I am able to ask for help when I need it.  I hope that the people around me will keep an eye on me.