The end and the beginning

Group therapy ended this week.  The facilitator retired from running therapy groups.  The last night was actually more of a relief than anything.  There has been so much talk about this end and so much made of the end that in a lot of ways it was nice to actually say good-bye.

On one hand, something in me feels like I should be sad or something.  But, I'm not.  I'm a bit anxious, but I'll get to that in a minute.  It's over and I'm ok with that.  When the facilitator announced in August she was ending the group I was wondering how on earth we were going to say good-bye for a few months.  She said though that she thought it was important to really deconstruct the good-bye and how we handle endings.  We've talked a lot about this ending in the last few months.  She also said that in order to move on, it's important to have a clean good-bye, with nothing really lingering and was hoping this could happen with the group.  I think that maybe that's why I'm not feeling sad about it.  I've had a lot of time to process what it means and how I felt about it.  I had lots of time to tell the other people what it was I needed to say to them.  It doesn't feel like there is anything important that is lingering.  I doubted her strategy at the beginning, but now I can see the value in it. I hope I can keep that learning in mind the next time there is some kind of ending in my life.

I am a bit anxious though, but for other reasons.  I have been in some kind of psychological treatment for the better part of the last 7 years, and now I am not.  At all.  This feels like an important step in my recovery from depression.  I'm sure the medications are doing a lot to keep me level, but finding ways to live without the safety net of therapy feels important too. I at least have to try for a while and see.  I know where to find help if I need it and I will do so.  But for now, I want to be me, therapy free.

This feels like a new beginning for me.  I have spent the last 3 years working pretty intensively on learning to manage my mental illness.  Learning to make choices to help me to be healthy.  Learning a lot of ways to be connected to my emotions and to be real and authentic with myself and with others.  I see the fruits of all the hard work in so many aspects of my life.  And so, here begins a new step in my life.  I'm anxious and excited all at the same time.