Lonely

Recently I have been feeling lonely.  This is a fairly familiar feeling for me.

I have been living in my current city for 4.5 years now and I still feel like I don't really have a gang of friends. I know on some level it is unfair to judge myself based on this time frame as I have gone through a lot in the last few years and really am only now starting to figure some things out.  But, it doesn't change the loneliness.

I have been on vacation for the last couple of weeks.  My social life has really consisted of my family or of social groups I belong to (minus a couple of days visiting a friend where I used to live).  This thing is, feeling on the edge of things has been so much of my life experience.  The other thing is I'm pretty sure this is a consequence of depression.

Depression has been part of my life for so long.  It coloured how I interacted with people.  When I think of the few good friends I do have, they are from a certain couple of years when things were better.  But since then, I have seen the world through darkness.  It has been difficult to connect with people, in ways I don't really understand yet.  I so often feel like I get to a certain stage in a relationship with others and then it stalls.  Is it me?  Is it them?  Is it the kind of people I am drawn to?  Am I scared to be vulnerable and so I make sure that I won't have to be?  Is it a combination of things?  All sorts of questions, good questions.  But no answers.

I'm not sure what to do with this.  The point of going to group therapy is to help with this.  I can only hope it does.