Safety Net

Tonight at group we were talking about group ending... that is coming faster than I thought it would. 7 sessions left.  I was talking about how I am scared about what happens afterward and will I be ok.  It feels like a bit step for me.  For a long time now I have had a safety net.  Psychologists, counselling, group etc... have been the place where I talk about things that are hard to talk about.  A place where I didn't worry about whether or not the person listening wanted to hear what I was talking about.  A place where nothing was taboo, things didn't need to be politically correct and I could explore.

The leader of the group asked me if my friends felt like a safety net.  My answer was, sort of.  For some topics yes, for others not so much.  I also said that often it feels like my friends want to fix the problem, rather than listen to what I am saying.  But, it also occurred to me to think that maybe I haven't ever really asked.  I haven't asked people if they are willing to be that place for me.  The space where I can talk about the hard stuff.  The space where I can talk about things that I think people don't want to talk about.  I have refrained from talking about so many things with friends because I don't want to make them feel uncomfortable.  I am afraid of what some of the hard stuff will do to them.

The truth is that there have been people offer and I haven't taken them up on it.  I"m scared.  Scared to let people that care about me and that I care about see all my hurts.  Scared of rejection, scared of letting people see my lose it.  I am so used to feeling the pain in private, that I forget that pain and hurt shared can often make it lighter.  When I think about the number of friends that have seen me cry about my life (movies are different) it makes me sad. I don't let people see that side of me very often.

And so, no my friends don't feel like a safety net.  But, in so many cases I have never given them the chance.  And so, here I am asking.  I am asking my friends, family and blog family to be my safety net.  To provide me with the place where I can talk about hard stuff.  To tell me if I am in territory that is too much for you.  To tell me that it is ok to keep going, to keep talking.  I expect that no one can be the whole safety net, but each person can provide part of it.  Parts will overlap and there may be some holes.  But hopefully it will exist, and even more importantly hopefully I will have the courage to use it.