Beat up

Sometimes it feels like life beats me up a little.  This week has been one of those weeks.  I'll leave out the details except to say that I have been the brunt of a bully's actions this week.  Blech.

It's been hard for a number of reasons.  Firstly, the bully accused me of all sorts of things that are untrue, but still hard to have someone say to and about you.  Secondly, I have been in this position before and being here again brings up all sorts of feelings for me.  The anxiety, the fear, the despair, the depression.  I am taken back to a time in my life where everything was horrible and I can feel those feelings again.  And it sucks.

I have to keep making myself actually look at how I am handling it this time.  I called someone today who was able to help me figure out a response.  I have done all the right things in handling this.  Other people can see what is going on and are supporting me on it.  And, and this is the big one, I am able to see what is actually happening.  The bully is not getting his way and so is acting out.  He is threatening me and trying to draw me into his bullshit.

The thing is, I haven't been drawn in. I have managed to let him threaten, and frankly carry out on his threats (nothing physical) and still be ok.  I have been able to remember that people who are bullies are usually acting out some insecurity of their own and really it has nothing to do with me.  He is not getting his way and needs to make someone else feel small in order to feel in control, or something to that effect.  But, as someone said to me today, the thought is "too bad you are having a crappy day... I'm not, no matter what you do".

This situation is a big challenge for me.  It's a challenge to deal with the bully in a different way.  To be firm in what I am doing and not try to make things better.  I don't care if I ever have any kind of relationship with this person, and so why try?  Some things are not worth it.  I may have to deal with him again.  I will be polite, but distant.  I will do what I have to, but that will be all.  I have no respect for people who treat me this way, and that is not going to change.

But, I do now have some respect for me.  Just writing this post is making me feel anxious.  But, that's about change I think. It is hard to do things differently, it takes energy and determination.  I have those things, even though I am anxious as well.  I am handling it differently this time.  I truly believe that I don't deserve this treatment and that I have a right to stand up for myself.  This I will do, no matter how anxious it makes me.

And so at this end of this post I have a request.  I need some strength.  I need reminders sometimes that I am a great person and deserve to be treated respectfully.  Sometimes, I need to hear it.  Right now, I really do.  This request is also different.  I am asking for the support that I need.  New for me.