spiralling

Today I feel like I need to write, but I am not sure how or where to start.  So, I'll just jump in.

Today is a hard day.  I feel down, I feel lousy and I feel like nothing I do is right.  I'm feeling insecure and this leads me to feel like I need to control everything.  It seems that everything I say upsets someone.  It seems that all I am doing is making people angry.  I am having a hard time getting past the negative things in my life to see the positive.  I am feeling like there is nothing valuable about me.  I am doubting peoples' sincerity when they say they like me. Rationally I know all of this can't be true, but I am having a hard time getting past it.  And, anxiety has again become constant.  I can feel myself wanting to be alone all the time as well.  Even little things are starting to feel overwhelming again.

I don't want to feel like this.  Today, however, I can't seem to shake it.  Not just today actually.

I decided to stop my trial of going off the anti-depressants.  Things have been steadily getting worse over the last bit.  I feel the darkness closing in, I feel the big heavy cloud getting closer.  And, that feels awful and scary.  The way I feel, the thoughts I have been having and some of my actions scare me.  I know where they lead.  Today I started back on the full dose of the medication.  I know it is not an instant cure, but hopefully in a couple of weeks I will be feeling better.

I'm disappointed.  I was hoping I would be ok without the medication.  But, I know that I am not.  Today, the decision to go back on them feels horrible and overwhelming, signs for me that things aren't right.