Resolution

The other night at group we got talking about resolution.  I got thinking about my experiences.  I've had a few where I kept thinking, "if only the other person would..."

One of the experiences of this was a someone who let me down in a huge way.  She was responsible for putting me in a really bad, no-win situation and then when this became clear, she walked away.  (I realize this is pretty cryptic, but there are some things that are better left vague in a public forum)

I was angry and hurt.  I thought I had a good relationship with this person and I thought she valued me as a person.  And because of this, I felt like I owed her something as well.  The thing is, when push came to shove, I still felt like I owed it to her to try to make things work. To keep trying, even though it was like running full speed into a brick wall,over and over again.  And, when push came to shove, she didn't do anything at all.  She wouldn't even talk to me.

And so, I was angry, I was hurt and I felt betrayed.  I'd tried so hard to do what I thought was the right thing, and to me, it felt like she bailed, walked away.

Eventually, when the situation was completely intolerable I left.  For a long time, I wanted her to apologize.  I wanted to run into her so I could tell her how poorly she treated me. I wanted her to admit to it, to own up to her failings.  I wanted her to tell me that she was wrong and I was right.  But, that never happened.  And never was going to happen.  At some point, I realized that I was depending on someone else to do something so that I could let go of my anger and hurt.  I was still giving power to this woman who had shown me that she didn't really value me at all.  So, in the end, what I thought I needed in order to move on was dependent on someone else.

This felt horrible.  Once I started on my own process of healing, I also realized that waiting for someone else to do something so I could be better was not a good way to approach things.  This was setting myself up to fail.  I had to find a way to make my resolution dependent on me because that was the only way I had any control over the situation.

This was really a difficult process.  I trusted this woman and she betrayed that.  But, I did eventually find a way to see that I am responsible for me.  I have the power to do whatever it is I set my mind to.  Letting her have the power was just perpetuating the hurt for me.  It was not punishing her, which is what I wanted to be doing.

I'm not angry anymore.  I'm not hurt anymore.  Not to excuse the behaviour or to pretend it away. I was put in a horrible, no-win situation.  The person that had a responsibility to do something about it didn't.  It happened.  I can't and won't pretend it didn't or that it wasn't awful.  To me, that would invalidate my experience.  But, I have taken back my power.  My own healing is no longer dependent on getting something that I am never going to get.  I've found a way to be powerful in my own right.  To move on from that situation, better, stronger.  Ultimately we all have to live with our own choices.  It is my choice to find my way through this.