A Funk

When I first started thinking of this post, the word funk struck me.  Then I started thinking of funky, and then the song "Funky Town" got stuck in my head.  This is the way my brain works sometimes.  It also shows me that I am not totally out of a sense of humour.

I've been in a funk of late.  For awhile it was pretty low key and I didn't really see it. But, the last few days have been pretty tough, and I can see now that this has been coming for a bit.  I feel tired, and down and really just like hiding.  Which, I've been doing a lot of.  I've been keeping up with commitments that I have to keep, but I haven't been doing much else.  I've been sitting on my couch reading mostly.  Now for a lot of people, this wouldn't be hiding, but for me it is.

Reading is not a bad thing in and of itself, but I don't actually do a lot of it.  I get enough reading at work and it is nice to do other things.  Lately, I've been reading a whole book in a day and then searching for another just as fast as I can.  It's a great way to hide.  It's a great way to justify not doing anything else.  But, when I look at it, I have been using it as a way to ignore the funk.  Amazing how many ways I can find to avoid the hard stuff.

The thing is, I know where this pattern leads me.  To a worse place than a funk.  To a place where a dark cloud is all around me and I can't see any light coming through.  I'm not there yet, as can be seen by the first paragraph.  I still find some things funny.  I still can enjoy some things.  But, underneath it all is a sense that things are not good.  That things are sliding.

I am not sure why.  I am not sure what is going on.  But I know, I have to stop ignoring it.  Stop pretending it is not there.  Stop finding ways to justify doing things that are bad for me.

I know I haven't been great at taking care of myself.  Exercise has been slipping, eating right has been slipping, talking to people in general and about what is going on has been slipping.  All the things that I know are good for me.  I'm working at changing this.  I've gone 2 days now without caffeine, which is a start.  I know that too much of it contributes to be not sleeping well and not feeling well.  Yesterday I cooked a real dinner.  Hopefully getting back on track with some of this will help.

But, ultimately, I need to look at my emotions.  What is going on there?  That is the hard part.  Often I discover something that is tough to handle, tough to deal with, tough to get through.  I know on some level it is worth the effort, but right now the effort seems like too much.