cracking - just a little

I wrote this a couple of nights ago, but haven't had a chance to post it.

I am starting to crack. Ever since this flood started I have been going hard. I haven't taken the time to take care of me. Now I need to before I crack totally.

This pattern is familiar. When the depression was getting bad I kept busy. Just keep going so it can't find you. The problem with that theory is that is catches up to you eventually anyhow. It just happens.
So this time I am trying to stop earlier, stop before I actually crack.

I know that part of being me means feeling the energy and emotions of what is around me. There are a lot of good things about this. It totally enhances my experience of movies and books as I am emotionally in the story. It also means I can provide empathy to people in bad situations and celebrate with people in good situations.

The way I feel now is, however, the down side. It is easy to get overwhelmed with what is going on. I struggle to learn to be empathetic and also protect myself. I struggle to know how to build the wall that says your stuff is yours. I struggle to know which emotions are mine and which I am taking on. This is certainly one cause of depression for me.  When things got so overwhelming before I shut down and didn't feel anything at all.

I haven't been taking care of me. And now I have to. Burning myself out doesn't help at all. I am taking some time off from volunteering. This comes with a sense of guilt, but inside I know I have done a lot. I also know that there is a lot more to be done and if I want I will be able to help again.   I will continue to do my part as I am able. But I need to remember that as I am able is different than every other person out there. And that is ok.

I need to find my own emotions and leave those of a city in crisis outside me for a bit. Now there is a tonne of energy and emotion in this city. Destruction, loss, sadness, hope, help, gratitude and everything in between. I have been taking it all in.