Suicide and Grief

I've been thinking a lot lately about my experiences with suicide and so this is what has been on my mind:

Too many times I've been too close to it
I was 12, in Grade 7
He was in my home room, in Grade 9
He was nice, made all us new kids welcome
I went back to school in Grade 8, he had killed himself over the summer
I didn't know how to deal

I was in high school
The son of friends of my parents killed himself
How to deal?

I was in my first year of university
4 attempts in my dorm of 60 people
1 person succeeded over Christmas
So sad
Again how to deal?

I'm in third year university
I hear of someone jumping out of an 8th floor window
I didn't know him, it didn't matter
Still affected me

I'm all of those ages.  I don't know how to deal with all of these things.
I'm sad, I'm lonely
I don't know how to reach out for help
Many times I feel like maybe suicide is the only answer
So desperate

I'm 32 and struggling
In an emotionally abusive relationship
I end it, and he gets worse
How to cope?  I can't deal
Things are getting worse

I'm 33 and still struggling
My job becomes the most abusive situation I have ever been in
I can't sleep, I can't be around people
I don't know what to do
I'm so anxious I can't hide it anymore
So lonely, so desperate

I'm standing at a street corner waiting for the light to change
I see a semi coming down the road
I think, I could walk in front of that truck, then I wouldn't have to deal anymore
I think, shit, that would kill my mother... and my father... and my sister
I hesitate and the truck goes by
The light changes and I walk to work... instead of turning the other way and walking to the hospital for help
So lonely, so scared, so at the end of my rope

I'm 34 and I meet a woman whose son took his own life
I see the pain it is still causing her many years later

I'm 36 and someone finally tells me bluntly that I have depression and should think about medication
Makes me accountable to at least come to terms with it
I tell my story of depression
Someone I know tells me his story of attempted suicide

I'm 38 and I'm finally finding a way to grieve all of the situations
Grieve for the people I know who couldn't find another way out
Grieve for the people who were so desperate that this looked like the only solution
Grieve for me, for being that desperate as well
Grieve because I will always understand the pain, fear, loneliness and desperation