I did something very difficult today. I know in my heart of hearts it was the right thing, but that didn't make it any easier. I won't share the details because it affects someone else way too much, but let's just say in order to do the right thing I hurt someone I care about a lot. There wasn't any other way, but still, I don't like to see that look on anyones face and especially when I know I was the cause of the look. It really hurts me to have to do that.
Sometimes things are just hard. I have been working so hard to better understand my needs and to really believe I have a right to have them met. It's one thing when you can just ask. It's another thing when it involves hurting others. I am really struggling to remember that I deserve to pay attention to myself and that it is ok to do the right thing. So much of me wishes I hadn't done it, but there is a small voice that keeps telling me I did the right thing. I am listening to it, even though it is really hard.
The hurt inside me right now is threatening to make me withdraw again, to stop feeling again, to retreat back to my old coping mechanisms. I know I can't but it is taking everything I have to keep making myself feel what is going on with me instead of ignoring it. Staying strong really matters I know. I will find a way to use the tools I have now to get through this, but right now it is extremely daunting.
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