Part of being me is feeling other people's emotions with them. I am not able to be a neutral bystander. When people are happy, I feel that. When they are sad, I feel that also. This is also why I cry at movies, I am emotionally in the movie; I am not longer a person sitting in the theatre watching the movie.
In many ways this is a good trait. It allows me to really feel compassion for people. It allows me to be connected to people. These are good things. It has it's downside also. Often I find it hard not to take other people's pain on as my own. I am working on that. Compassion is good, but leaving that emotion with the other person is a necessity as well. Otherwise I will drive myself insane. I have a hard enough time feeling my own emotions, I don't need other peoples sticking around as well.
I am slowing learning to manage this part of being me. To see it for what it is. I need only to be able to recognize when I am taking on other peoples stuff and slowly learn to let it go...
Part of this is about defining boundaries. I think a big part of codependence is the ingrained belief that what's yours (emotionally) is mine. When you are sad, I am sad. When you feel joy, I do too.
ReplyDeleteDefining boundaries- a huge part of the journey out of codependence and depression, is about making fences. (you know the saying good fences make good neighbors). :)
An emotional fence says, oh, I see the terrible place you are in, I feel deep compassion and empathy for you, and it is not my sorrow. I can walk with you in your sorrow, and it is not my sorrow. I can be with you in your grief, your sorrow, your tragedy, your anger, your pain, and still feel my own emotions. As we are walking, I might still hear a bird sing or notice a beautiful flower and my heart can leap at the joy and wonder of it. I can leave our time together, and while I hold your pain in my heart, when I am home, in my life, your pain has a box in my heart, with the lid closed, and I can feel the joy or whatever of my life.
I can feel compassion, I can feel empathy, I can feel sad about your situation for you. But it is not my sorrow.
Having boundaries, fences, boxes, are healthy. They don't preclude empathy, having a big heart, etc. They protect you, so that you can care for others and still care for yourself.
It is a process, especially after a life time of owning everyone else's stuff. (I've done it too!!)
I'm on my phone and the other stuff after this I can't get my screen to scroll to so it is random thoughts I meant to delete. ;)
Rondy
:)
Compassion is a great trait.
as the song goes
ReplyDelete"too much love will kill you, just as sure as none at all"
too much compassion will kill you too
too little compassion results in stone coldness
the healthy medium for some is a stuggle for some and not for others. A big heart and compassion are lovely traitss, but we also need to be shown how to handle them. I am learning and still learning. ...
thank you to rodney for giving some valuable insights.