Out of the darkness

I was watching a movie tonight on older gay and transgendered adults.  It was touching and sad and hopeful all at the same time.  One line got me though which was "moving out of the darkness".  In a lot of ways this is what the journey to learning to live with depression has been for me.

Life felt heavy and dark.  There were no solutions to situations that were making me unhappy.  Everything was hard and dramatic because I could not think straight.  So much darkness.  I guess you have to be in darkness when you get to the edge of killing yourself.  At that point there is no hope.  Nothing in my world seemed right, everything seemed wrong and there didn't seem to be anything I could do to change it.

Over the last year I have seen some light.  Some days a small sliver, like last New Years Day when my nephew was born.  Other days there is a lot of light, days when it feels like everything is connecting.

Today was one of the good days.  I spent the afternoon and evening with 5 people I love very much.  5 people who accept me for who I am, even when it is hard for them.  5 people who are there for me, always.  These people are my family.

It is good for me to stop once in awhile and remember the good things.  Giggling and laughing with my nephew is right up there, having my dad tell me again today that he cares and that my parents are there for me, having a friend call me last week just to make sure I was ok (even if I didn't talk to her), living in a time where I can talk about depression without being hospitalized and given shock treatment, living in a time where I can talk about being gay, learning to love myself - warts and all, seeing changes in the way I do things, standing up for myself, doing nice things for me etc... etc...  The list is long, if I only stop to remember.

Writing all the good things was enough to make me cry.  I am so grateful to be out of the dark, mainly.  I have days where the dark is overwhelming again, but it seems that these are only days, and not a general trend.   I am so grateful today to the good people in my life that help me to remember that there is light in the world, and in me.