Growth

Sometimes in life growth comes in small bits and happens slowly, sometimes it comes in leaps and bounds.  For me lately it has certainly been coming in leaps and bounds.  I see myself tackling life, tackling so many of the hard things that sent me into a depressive crash.  I observe how I am/was in the world and how so much of that was caused by how I saw and felt about myself, and not by the bad outside things that were happening to me.  Many of the bad events made how I felt about myself worse, but I truly can see that how I felt about myself also made those situations worse.  I can see myself also being more balanced in how I see myself.  I can see my strengths and weaknesses, not just the mistakes.  I know that much of what I do is right and good, and like all people there are times when this is not true.

So, what do I learn from all of this?  Firstly, to trust my gut.  If something in me is telling me that a situation is wrong or not working, I need to listen to that, to pay attention and try to figure out why.  Secondly, I am smarter and braver than I often feel.  I know when things are bad and I can take whatever steps I need to change them.  (A lovely friend was recently telling me how brave I am and have been.  Thanks so much for making me think about this).  Thirdly, no situation is as one-sided as I wanted it to be for so long.  I can see now that in many cases I didn't cause the garbage that was coming my way, but the way I was handling it was in many ways making it worse.

I am so proud that I can write this sort of blog.  I know that I won't necessarily feel this good every day, but I do today.  For so long I couldn't see any kind of solutions or lessons or anything.  All I could see was fog, and numbness and drama and anxiety.  I have worked hard to get to this point.  It is not yet the end point, but it is sure a lot further ahead than I was not very long ago.