It's interesting to me that as this journey goes on I learn more and more about myself, and other people. I was thinking today why it is easier to let some people and not others be a part of this journey. One thing that occurred to me is that I am not interested in peoples pity. The truth is that I have only gone down the road of self-pity a couple of times. I know it is not the road to healing.
I do not want pity from others either. I am making changes in my life and this is often hard and challenging, but it is the only road to healing that I can see. What I really need from people is support, help, friendship... As I learn about myself, I learn more about what I need those things to look like. To me having people around is crucial. I am rather good at hiding and pretending that everything is ok. The trouble with this is that it is an extremely lonely existance. I am getting much better at reaching out and asking people to be there for me. Change is slow, change is hard, but without it I remain stuck in depression. With it there is hope and joy and sorrow and pain.
In the time I’ve know you, Danielle, I have not seen one moment of self-pity from you, ever. You have acted nothing but bravely. For that I have nothing but the highest respect for you and a lot of hope for you. I, on the other hand, am the coward: I lived in my own self-pity for a long time. What drew me out was destroying what I didn’t like in myself and recreating who I wanted to be (did I mention I have a nasty self-destructive streak?). Setting up goals allowed me to find a new path. Achieving those goals was my measuring stick. When you’re OCD like me goals are highly therapeutic: I could focus my attention on them and ignore everything else. And then, there was the bathing in music and the hours of writing.
ReplyDeleteAs to feeling vulnerable, I totally get that. I’ve been playing a game since childhood. I play it very well. It’s called hide and seek. I only let in those who make the effort to find me. And that too is a very lonely game (but it’s my game).