As anyone who has dealt with, or is dealing with, depression can attest to there are good days and bad, good moments and bad. The other day I had one of the really bad times. It was awfully strange timing though. I was in Tofino, BC (on the west coast of Vancouver Island), which by all accounts is a most lovely spot to be. I was resting on some rocks right next to the ocean. It was beautiful and lovely, and might I add my birthday. As I was resting I starting contemplating how I would attempt suicide and before I realized it I had planned it all out. So scary. (For the record as I write this I am not feeling suicidal). Thankfully a good friend of mine was with me in Tofino and so I talked it out with her for awhile. I was feeling better after that.
Since then I have been thinking about why I wanted to think about suicide. Do I really want to do anything with that? Am I really feeling suicidal at times? My answer is no, but I am closer to it than I want to be. I also realized that the plan unfolded more as a cry for attention, a cry for help, than as a real suicide plan.
So, in a less dramatic fashion I shall ask for attention, ask for help. Please check on me sometimes. Don't be shy to ask me how I am doing, how I am managing, where I am at in my journey, how I feel about the depression etc... I am getting better at telling people how I feel, but at times I feel tired and discouraged and would appreciate it if someone else could be strong for me for a bit. I will talk about it if asked, but sometimes I don't have the energy to start the conversation.
I keep swearing up and down that I won’t do this, but it breaks my heart, Danielle, seeing you struggle like this. I think you have to decide who you’re going to “let in” and how far you’re going to let them in to your life. You have to set the boundaries: who and how much. What you need are a few good people you can rely on and who will hold you up when you’re not strong enough for yourself. You have an awful lot of people who care about you and who want to help out. Let them in. I’m not talking about myself because I’m keenly aware that’s not where I belong; but I’m talking about your wonderful network of family and good friends. And I mean “really let them in.” Not the surface struggle but the deep down stuff (the precursors and source of it all). Until you’ve chased those demons out, it will continue to be a struggle. Recognize them, make peace with them. It is truly the only way out of the cave.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being brave and telling us all how we can help. Not everyone who cares about you has the capacity to be helpful. Some are understandably scared by depression and suicidal thoughts. Do reach out to find those who can be helpful!
ReplyDeleteNitin
P.S. I think/hope I can be helpful :-) See you when you're back.
Just to add to what I said earlier, I’ll leave you with one last thought, Danielle, for what it’s worth (and because I still give a damn). I posed a question for you back on April 27. You need to answer that question for yourself and then you need to tell someone. It’s not about the metaphor; it’s about the answer to that question. It wasn’t my place to ask it of you then and it’s definitely not my place now. Please, please tell someone. As you see from Nik’s comment above, people are holding out their hand to you. Meet them halfway. Be well.
ReplyDeleteYou did the right thing by putting your suicide train of thought out there for the rest of us to see and know about. I was going to post an analysis of why that thought may have come up for you, but that's probably not appropriate. I'll keep checking on you!
ReplyDeleteHey if you need anything im always there!
ReplyDeleteTom
Thank you for talking about it, Danielle. For sharing and for asking for help. Anon's comments are very well spoken, and I think it is good advice.
ReplyDeleteI once cried out the same way, but never actually told anyone. A cry for help is not effective if no one is able to hear it. One day, it ceased to be a cry and became a plan for real. I am happy to see you are wiser now than I was then. :)
On that note, my birthday was a milestone. It was the 15th anniversary of the day I decided I wanted to die. What little hope I had then won out in the end, strengthened by the friendships that came to mean more that I ever hoped. The people in your life will always feed that hope if you let them, even when they don't realize. Keep the good people close.
Nitin - you are right that not everyone can help, these are hard things to deal with. I can accept that. Thank you for offering to help.
ReplyDeleteDiane and Tom - thanks for being around
Keith - wow, that's a powerful story. I'm glad that you are still around. Thanks for sharing it.