I've probably mentioned before, one of the major contributors to depression for me is hiding my real self. There is something inside me that says, don't be vulnerable, it can only lead to hurt and pain. (Ok, so writing this blog stamps on that pretty quickly). The thing is that hiding leads to anxiety and depression for me. I realize now that that is worse. The thing is my life has to be about what I think it good and right and true, not what other people think. Who I am, is who I am.
Part of this for me is figuring out what it is that I find fun. It makes me sad just making that statement because it seems like one of those things that people should know. But I am only really letting myself discover that, and not just going along to get along. One thing that is fun for me is writing, so this blog is fun, even though often I am writing about tough stuff. I've been playing dodgeball which is super fun.
Another part is really figuring out what kind of lifestyle I want to have. I have been running away and going on the anxiety for so long, and that really led to a "be busy" all the time lifestyle. Right now I don't have the energy for that so my life is pretty slow. For now that's ok, but I suspect as time goes on there will need to be some sort of balance there.
I am glad that you are reflecting on these questions. Sometimes life has a nasty way of preventing you from discovering who you are and what you really want from life. It’s so easy to get caught up in our own misguided expectations of ourselves (and the hopes and aspirations others place in us), rather than listening to your inner self telling you that this is all wrong.
ReplyDeleteIt has been my experience that your inner self (that person who you really are) has always been there but pushed back into the corner and ignored. We push that person into the corner because we think we are supposed to (so we often think). Ignored for too long it’s easy for that inner self to wither and die if you aren’t careful. Don’t let that happen. Don’t let her go. Embrace her.
It has also been my experience that your inner self is the person you were before you were loaded up with all the baggage life puts on your shoulders. If you remember you at 8 you’ve probably found her. Take a good look. What makes her happy is probably what “will” make you happy today. If that means splashing around in mud puddles after the rain then so be it. If it means singing in the shower at the top of your lungs then so be it. Hope it means lots of love and laughter. I think you’ve earned it.
I hope you find your answers. I truly do.