Funny how depression becomes a habit after awhile, well sort of. I have no doubt that there is something chemical about it as the anti-depressants sure made/make a different for me. I also have no doubt that the process of healing is a challenge just because depression is a hard thing to deal with and to understand.
But I can also see that is so many situations the way of depression is the way I am used to reacting and it takes a concious effort to change that. For example, when depressed I would laugh so easily at almost anything, mostly out of desparation to feel good about something. But then the next instant I was right back down in depression and wondering why I even thought anything was funny. As I have been paying more attention I've noticed myself do that a few times. At least now I notice it and can decide if I really feel up or down instead of habit.
It's tiring the healing process. It takes a lot of care and attention to everything I do. I am so used to reacting in a depressed way and I find now I am constantly watching myself to better understand what is habit and what is real. Like all things, I suspect this will be easier with time, but for now it is challenging and takes a lot of energy.
There is a saying that “courage is often born of desperation.” In this case, laughter is your way of fighting back the depression. Recognize that it is a courageous act. Don’t see it as a failed attempt at happiness (although that too will come), but as a momentary escape from the sadness. With time these “momentary escapes” will become more frequent and longer lasting. And you, like Alice, will find your way back from the Underground.
ReplyDeleteI leave you with a riddle:
Procedures for Underground by Margaret Atwood
The country beneath
the earth has green sun
and the rivers flow backwards;
the trees and rocks are the same
as they are here, but shifted.
Those who live there are always hungry;
from them you can learn
wisdom and great power,
if you can descend and return safely.
You must look for tunnels, animal
burrows or the cave in the sea
guarded by the stone man;
when you are down you will find
those who were once your friends
but they will be changed and dangerous.
Resist them, be careful
never to eat their food.
Afterwards, if you live, you will be able
to see them when they prowl as winds,
as thin sounds in our village. You will
tell us their names, what they want, who
has made them angry by forgetting them.
for this gift, as for all gifts, you must
suffer: those form the underland
will be always with you, whispering their
complaints, beckoning you
back down; while among us here
you will walk wrapped in an invisible
cloak. Few will seek your help
with love, none without fear.