I read a book not too long ago by Chonda Pierce (a Christian comedian) about her journey with depression. She starts the book by saying that depression is like being in a hotel where everything is gray. I love the imagery of it.
For me depression is like a hotel where everything is gray, there is no definition to anything, no colour to life. And to top it all off, you can't find the exit doors. You're pretty sure they are there, but they aren't marked and you can't see them because everything is the same colour. Eventually I tripped on the step in the hallway, without even seeing it, and landed flat on my face. Stuck there for awhile. It's a bad place to be, but by then my senses were so dulled by all the gray that I hardly cared.
Starting on the anti-depressants meant I could start to see some definition again. All of a sudden the step had a black rubber strip on it so I no longer fell flat. I could see a window in the hall. The light coming in was still gray and outside there was only grayness. I could also see a picture frame on the wall, but the image inside it was fuzzy.
With time the anti-depressants had a stronger effect and eventually I found the stairwell that had brought me to where I was. I could start to see the steps I had taken that had led me here. Some of them were very recent. With some counselling and help from friends and family, I started to be able to see those ones very clearly. Then some other ones that go further back started to come into view, way at the bottom of the stair case. And I realized that they are the foundation of the stair case. I also realized that to get out I needed to see all of the steps more clearly and then rebuild the stairs on the other side of the building.
As things there started to come into view, I noticed that outside the window the world was starting to have some colour and defintion. I also noticed that the picture wasn't a picture at all, but it was a mirror. And that my image was fuzzy, but at least I could tell it was me.
At this point I am still staying in the hotel, but the in stair case is getting much clearer and the out staircase is being built. Sometimes the upper steps get some work, sometimes the lower foundation steps get the work. Periodically I find myself outside the hotel looking in. Mostly I am inside looking out but I can see the world again and I see so many people outside there to support me. It gives me courage and strength to keep working on my stair cases. Somedays the image in the mirror is fairly clear, other days it is hard to tell it is me. Someday I will build enough stairs that I don't have to stay in the hotel anymore. But, I may find that I visit it for the rest of my life, or maybe not?
This reminds me of a recurring dream I had a few years ago. Every night for a week it was the same dream. I found myself in a dark, old building following an indistinct ghost from room to room. She wore a black dress that floated across the hardwood floors. The further I went into the dream, what started as a rustling of wind became the sound of a baby’s cry. On the last night of the dream, I came upon a room hidden at the very end of a long, dusty hallway. I opened the door very slowly. Inside the dimly lit room was a baby’s crib tucked up against the wall. The air was thick so I could barely breathe, and my heart thumped heavily in my chest. With trembling fingers, I reached inside the crib and quickly pulled off the blanket. But the crib was empty except for the impression of a baby on the bed sheets. I knew right there what it all meant.
ReplyDeleteYou are a guest in your own hotel, Danielle. Immediately, I know that this is not your home and that you are merely visiting. It is a metaphor. You will construct your steps and find your way out. In the meantime, it is also telling you that you have many rooms and guests to visit. You must visit them all and discover the lessons each one has to teach you. Each set of steps will lead you to another floor, where there are rooms and guests waiting for you to visit. Don’t rush. You might miss something important. The self-discovery is the whole purpose.
Good luck.
Thank-you so much. That is beautifully said. I appreciate the support.
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